The greatest family photo ever taken...
We're getting ready to wrap up our summer in Texas. We fly back home to Arizona on Saturday, and the kids start school the following week.
Bubs has essentially been working from home while we've been here, but he needs to get back to the office and his lab. Abby and TJ absolutely love their lives in Arizona, so they're ready to go home.
Ashley and I?
No.
We are most certainly not ready to leave the paradise where almost all of our family lives on the same block mere steps from each other.
Fortunately for me, before I had time to become homesick, my mom presented all four siblings with perhaps the greatest gift she's ever given us.
A studio-quality, wall-sized family portrait from our Florida trip.
One tiny problem.
My younger sister's underwear is clearly visible for the entire world to admire.
And there are now five copies of this masterpiece.
Now, as I've mentioned before, Jess and I spent much of our Florida vacation fighting.
The short version is that she decided I did a terrible job filming a video of her dancing at a gas station, relentlessly criticized my cinematography, and eventually I reached my limit and smacked her on the mouth.
World War 23,283 between Jess and me officially commenced with Jess and I as antagonists on opposite sides. We fought most of the week.
One tradition in our family is that every Destin vacation requires a formal beach photo.
If you've ever vacationed there, you've probably seen dozens of families doing the exact same thing every evening.
Our family uniform is white button-down shirts with khaki shorts, pants, or skirts. Over the years we've accumulated countless versions of these photos hanging in houses throughout our family.
This year's picture felt especially important.
My younger brother Brian is about to defend his Ph.D. dissertation and is applying for teaching and research positions all over the world. There's a very real chance this will be the last time all four siblings are together for quite a while.
Even my mom—who, unlike her daughters, is generally emotionally stable—got a little teary thinking about it.
She became even more stressed when the professional photographer canceled at the last minute, forcing us to rely on my 16-year-old niece's best friend.
Personally, I thought we had upgraded.
If my mother understood Instagram, she'd know this girl has probably taken more photos in her short life than most professional photographers take in an entire career. And her camera was incredible.
Oh...
Did I mention that two of the siblings in this sentimental family portrait still wanted to murder each other?
Did we set our differences aside for the sake of our mother?
Of course not.
That day's argument began because I couldn't find the skirt I'd planned to wear.
I searched every suitcase. I searched the laundry. I asked the kids. I blamed Bubs for a second, because why not?
Nothing.
Thankfully, my older sister Jennifer is such an incredible control freak that she always packs extra for moments just like this. I borrowed one of hers, got myself, the kids, and Bubs dressed, and headed to the beach.
Well...
Guess where my skirt was.
Jess—my current mortal enemy—had "borrowed" it without asking.
Now I'm going to tread lightly here because Jess and I are back to being best friends, but she'd put on a tiny bit of weight, and the skirt was...snug.
The reason she'd "borrowed" mine was because the one she'd packed didn't fit.
Jess, I say this with love because I saw you in a bikini all week—you looked fantastic. A little extra shelf absolutely works for you.
But I still wanted my skirt back.
So I looked at her and said,
"Nice skirt."
She replied, "What? It's mine."
"Oh no it isn't. The question is: did you come into my room and steal it? Are we twelve?"
I could practically hear her brain rebooting looking for the perfect comeback...all she came up with was:
"Shut up, Danielle!"
Because there were nineteen people and approximately six thousand different combinations of family photos to take, we had plenty of time to become thoroughly irritated with each other before it was finally time for the four siblings.
Unfortunately, there was simply no logical arrangement where Jess and I weren't standing next to each other.
Age order?
We're in the middle together.
Height?
We're both exactly five-foot-almost-one.
No escaping it.
Just as I was about to throw a fit about standing next to her, Jess beat me to it.
"No way am I standing next to someone who hits me!"
She stomped off down the beach.
My mom chased after her while I turned to Jenn and Brian.
"God, what a drama queen."
Brian immediately started laughing.
"Shut up, you idiot. If she hadn't beaten you to it, you'd be the one stomping down the beach."
Jennifer nodded.
"Seriously, Dani. Just be quiet for two seconds so Mom can get her picture."
Eventually Jess cooled off and came back.
My niece's friend had a stroke of genius.
Alphabetical order.
Brian.
Danielle.
Jennifer.
Jessica.
Problem solved.
We all smiled as though we were the picture of a healthy, emotionally regulated family.
Afterward, we crowded around the back of the camera to pick our favorite shot.
Like complete amateurs, we were all focused on smiles.
Nobody checked the wardrobe.
For my male readers, here's a quick lesson in women's clothing.
When you wear a skirt that's just a little too small, it tends to bunch up and gather around your hips.
When you're a 32-year-old woman who has just been dragged into a family photo while feuding with your sister, apparently you don't notice.
On the tiny camera screen, none of us realized that Jess was giving future generations a remarkably clear view of her light blue underwear.
It's been a couple of weeks so this morning my mom picked up the framed prints.
She gathered all of us together for what can only be described as a ceremonial unveiling of our newest family heirloom.
The moment the first print came out of the bag, Jennifer and I locked eyes.
Neither of us said a word.
We simply looked at each other...
...then looked at Jess.
On a wall-sized print, there was absolutely no missing it.
Thankfully, Jess was the first one to crack.
"Mom! I'm flashing everyone!"
"Oh Jessica, stop being dramati—"
My mom stopped.
"Oh my..."
Another pause.
"Oh my.
"...yes, you are."
We laughed until we cried.
Our poor dad kept saying, "What? I don't see anything."
And honestly...
Good.
Let's keep it that way.
Pretty soon the kids wandered in, noticed everyone laughing, and started laughing too.
My niece called her friend and had her bring the camera back over so we could check every single picture she'd taken of the four of us together.
Surely one of them would be usable.
Nope.
Every.
Single.
One.
Featured the exact same bunched-up skirt and unmistakable view of Jess's underwear.
When we're fighting, we're exhausting.
When we're getting along, we're the best friends in the world.
We all made a pact that we'd never throw these pictures away...
...but we'd also never hang them.
Thankfully, my niece's friend worked some editing magic and found a crop that left out "the goods," so my mom is getting a second set printed.
I'll always prefer the first.
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