On being married to a moron (one of the stupidest things he's ever done) and responding to a very sweet email.

 I am livid this morning. I have been livid all night because I genuinely may be married to the dumbest person to ever live. I am going to keep our fight short because I got such a sweet email this week and I've been wanting to make sure that I give that person their due attention. 

But I can't help it, I can't believe my husband (well maybe I can, that's the problem). As we were going to bed last night he hits me with "hey sorry I forgot to tell you, I'm going to take my dad and the kids flying tomorrow." It didn't really process through my brain so first I said that he didn't have a reserve weekend and I didn't understand. He said that no, he had arranged to rent one of those tiny little airplanes and they were go to go explore the area from the air.

I was like no dude you are not. I'm potentially hours away from giving birth, you've been working insane hours, I hate flying and the last thing I need is to fucking be scared shitless that my husband and two kids are in a flying little death trap. I put up with the military stuff because he loves and gets paid but this was too far. I could go on about the fight for hours but suffice to say, we both dug our heels in. I didn't sleep a wink thinking through all the scenarios that could potentially happen. My in-laws showed up early so they could head to an airport that in itself is too far away for Bubs to be when I'm so close to going into labor. How do I know that I'm right in this one? Even my mother in law is taking my side and told Bubs and my father in law how dumb this was and how disappointed she's going to be in both of them if she ends up being the one to drive me to the hospital. Bubs wouldn't listen to her either and when the kids heard the news they were thrilled so as typical Bubs put me in the position to be the grumpy bitch of a mom who never lets anyone have any fun while he's the chill surfer dude who lets the kids figuratively play with fire (and probably literally, I can't monitor his stupid ass all the time). So I am inside of a week of my due date, things are moving along and my husband is taking my kids up in what looks to me like a little metal coffin. He promised me since they are leaving early they'll be back by 1pm. I don't know if I've ever hated a person as much as I hate him right now. I could go on and on about this one but I'm forcing myself to stop. 

To keep my mind busy and not obsess over findmyfriends, I'm going to respond to a very sweet email I got this week from one of you guys. I know a few people have rediscovered me over the past few weeks so what I assume is happening is that the YouTube algorithm is pushing that one guys (ridiculous) take on our story or maybe some other subreddit is discussing us again. My blog views are way up this week so  I have no idea but thankfully everyone who has come back into the fold has been super sweet. 

Here's the email (and as always if you would like to email me, its danniynnad@gmail.com, I've also been pretty active on reddit lately and my name over there is u/DecentData5441): 

I first came across your story last summer when everything was unfolding online—I first saw your story on YouTube which led me to Reddit and was genuinely upset when it seemed like you had just disappeared. I recently stumbled across your blog and was so relieved to see you hadn’t stopped writing after all.

I know your story is deeply personal, but I think it struck a chord with so many of us navigating unexpected life shifts in our mid to late 30s. If I’m remembering correctly, your Reddit posts—and even some of your early blog entries—had a heavy, almost manic energy mixed with a lot of pain. (I hope that’s not offensive—I just mean to say it felt very raw and real.) Your recent posts, though, feel so much lighter and more grounded, and I just wanted to say how inspiring that’s been to witness.

I’ve been going through a tough stretch myself lately—some personal things that have left me feeling pretty low and stuck. Seeing the growth in your writing makes me wonder: what helped you the most? Was it therapy, lifestyle changes, something else entirely?

If you’re open to sharing any insight, I’d be really grateful. Either way, thank you for being so honest with your journey—it’s made a bigger impact than you probably realize.

This email made me sob openly it was so sweet. There are a few other details more personal to this person that I left out but they did say it was ok if I blogged about it. So I guess  have to say that I am in no way a medical professional so please don't take this as like the end all be all of advice. There are people who will absolutely disagree with me (my Aunt Lotti hasn't spoken to me or my mom since August, I'll get more into why in a minute). I think I also need to fully recognize that either through the lords eternal blessing or just dumb luck, I am very fortunate to have such an amazing family and support system that some people may not have access to. But they emailer is correct, I am much happier than I was and I've even been pregnant--and while I have had my moments (as in Bubs getting his balls cut off the second he gets home today), I think the combination of everything I'm about to talk about has helped me through the pregnancy as well. 

I've documented our journey with my and our therapists pretty extensively but I would be remiss if I didn't re-acknowledge how much of a role they played. But maybe even more important is that we got very lucky in that the ones that worked were almost brutally honest and said things that were hard to hear but they didn't pull punches. The reddit blow up was probably the culmination of about a year of Bubs and I being very distant from each other and through that whole time I was seeing an individual therapist. I liked her but looking back she never challenged me, she never told me that something was right or wrong, I feel like I paid a lot of money just to complain to someone. When Bubs and I started seeing the marriage counselor she would say things like "Dani, your behavior is causing him to resent you." Her advice was direct, it didn't waste a lot of time and got to the nuts and bolts of our issues really quickly. The same can be said for the therapist I was seeing remotely who specializes in Sexual Assault recovery. I think for obvious reasons, she's a lot more delicate but she's amazing at helping me talk it out and get to a place of insight. One thing I really liked about her is that even though I was a victim (a word I hate), she's very big into finding areas where I need to take responsibility for my choices that led up to what happened. I can see how that might really upset a lot of victims and that may not be for everyone but for me, it was exactly what I needed to hear.  

So if I talk about the good therapists, I have to address the bad. Our marriage counselor referred me to a psychiatrist who is part of a group that tries to treat mental illness as a whole body and life disorder as opposed quick 15 minute sessions and a prescription. The psychiatrist her self was amazing but part of treatment plan was to have me meet with an individual counselor. I had two appointments with him and we didn't click at all. I'm sure he's competent and professional but nothing he said resonated with me and I felt like was almost playing a "therapist on TV." My point being don't be afraid to move on. I should have followed that advice with the lady I saw in the year leading up to me and Bubs blow up but I wasn't making the same mistake twice. It took a few months to find the lady who specializes in SA recovery but I'm so glad I didn't waste any time with the counselor the psychiatrist recommended. 

Like I mentioned the psychiatrist  had a team of people that she had me see. One of the was a dietician. For many years, I ate like crap. I would rush around the in morning like a crazy person and not have anything but 3 cups of coffee before I would eat a few pieces of candy at lunch and then rush home to try to figure out what to feed the kids and then would eat very quick meals, usually standing up over the counter while I rushed around to finish up the nightly chores. The dietician basically said that had to stop. He is a huge advocate for meats, fruits and vegetables in order to hit a daily protein goal while limiting sugar. I think more than anything, including the therapy, making the changes to my diet has made me a much happier and healthy person. I think it is essentially a whole life reordering that affects everything from how I slept to how much energy I had in the mornings to how alert I was when the kids got home from school. I mean it's kind of like a self supporting eco-system, I felt better in the afternoons because I would eat a good lunch, I didn't blow up at the kids over minor things and they were happier and wouldn't be at each other's throats (as much). Bubs would emerge from his office to find us all going over the days events instead of me refereeing a physical fight. He would be calmer and more involved. The kids went to bed with much less anxiety, so did Bubs and I which led to us rediscovering our intimate life instead of the infrequent mechanical sex we'd grown so accustomed to. Those nights led to better mornings which led to better days and repeat. While all of my therapists have advised me to avoid thinking in terms of "silver bullets," me changing my diet has been as close to one as I've ever seen. My mental health is one thing, but I also can't believe the changes to my skin and hair and this will sound crazy but my boobs seem to sit a little higher and I've lost a little of the sag in my tummy and butt. Some of this can be attributed to pregnancy but I know my sisters (who always ate better than me anyways) got inspired and we would prepare meals together--and my sister Jenn's DDD bust started to look like she was in her 20s again and she's had 3 kids. Again I hope I'm not too off topic and I can't vouch that diet will have the same effect for everyone but for me, it's been truly life changing. 

So having said that, I was also pregnant so I needed to get more calories than I would normally so I was not a restrictive as I probably will go back to being when the time is right. So I would still treat myself but the advice from the dietician was no "empty" calories. For example if I wanted something sweet, it also had to have some "good" parts to it as well so I exchanged all the candy, cookies and cakes I ate for things like ice cream which were much more filling and could help me hit my protein goals. We've also had the amazing Genevieve staying with us who grew up with her Hispanic grandmother who taught her everything she knew about cooking traditional New Mexican food which sometimes is very carb heavy. Those meals are delicious but I can really feel the sluggishness after I eat something with a lot of carbs. Since Brian and Bubs have been on a mostly carnivore diet to help support their long distance running, Evie has done a really good job of adapting her traditional foods into a really decent middle ground which will allow me to keep going with my diet goals. 

I can't stress enough that this is what has worked for me and I am not giving outright advice. My mom's sister Lotti got so upset with me when I was talking about how much better I felt that she accused me of giving irresponsible medical advice and will not speak to me and told me mom that as long as I'm "promoting dangerous theories" she doesn't want to have anything to do with us. Lotti tried to convince me that the only method for treating "our family's depression" is to go on anti-depressants and plan on staying on them for the rest of my life and my diet talk was crap. I don't want to get too deep into this but I went to a psychiatrist and we talked about medications and she would have been willing to prescribe them but wanted to exercise caution while I was pregnant. I do have some opinions about medications based on my experience in the classroom and I know what I would chose for my own kids. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I would never tell an adult to not chose medications if that's what their doctor prescribed--but I've always been so confused by Aunt Lotti's reaction and I don't see how getting better fuel to run the engine was something that is worth not speaking to me over. As a total aside, Lotti is the aunt who raised my cousins so they were never allowed to fight or disagree and now they don't even know each other--my sisters and I were mean and nasty to each other on daily basis and we are the best of friends as adults. So I think Lotti's issues may be more about control--and I also think she might be happier if she had fostered the same sort of family atmosphere that my mom did. 

I know this turned into a long winded, self indulgent post but again I'm trying to keep my mind busy. I can see that they made it to the airport and I assume Bubs will have to turn his phone off so I am going to lose my findmyfriends connection with him shortly. Thank god Evie is here and I can hear her starting to get up and moving and just got off the phone with my brother. So she can fill me in on how Brian is doing in Argentina...he has a meeting with the new president's staff and maybe the president himself. Which my dad is falling all over himself because my dad is Ron Swanson incarnate, including the hard core Libertarianism and the new president is making my dad consider moving he and my mom out of Texas to a foreign country. OK, I'm really rambling now. But Evie is pissed at Bubs too so she's telling me that if he can go flying while I'm about to pop, she can take me to Target to waddle around and spend his money. God I love her--it's a date. It's such a big event for me to leave the house to do something fun, I'm going to put on makeup and say that the Target trip is my light walk for the day--a very, very expensive light walk. 

But thank you so much for the sweet email and I hope I answered your question! That was so nice of you to reach out and I will respond to you personally!