I think we are having a baby today--getting this all out now so we can go the hospital in peace.

 So here we are April 13th--I woke up this morning having pretty severe contractions. Only this time they are pretty regular. We are timing them and they are lasting for about 30 seconds and coming every 10-15 minutes or so. My OB wants me to head in when they start to happen every five minutes. I think we are going to have a baby today. 

I don't want to go to the hospital mad at my husband and even I am tired of fighting with him. So I am going to write this all out, hit the publish button and do my damndest to let it go. I have to admit that I don't fight fair with Bubs and if I were to give in to my irrational thinking, I could be upset with him as I'm delivering a baby. I don't want to bring our new child into the world like that. This may be a mistake to put this down in writing on what may be our third child's birthday but unfortunately our marriage counselor doesn't drop everything to meet with us on Sundays. 

For reference, Bubs took his dad and the kids flying yesterday. This wasn't him paying for a sightseeing flight or getting special permission to take his family on his military aircraft.  This was him contacting some podunk little airport in the middle of nowhere Arizona so he could be the pilot in charge of a tiny little airplane with a lawnmower engine. Since he's a fully trained pilot, he does fly civilian planes every once in a great while but he's never taken me or the kids (mostly because he knows how much I would freak out). I want to be clear here, I know that my fear of flying is irrational and not based in any sort of reality. I also know that he wanted to be a pilot long before I met him (seeing as how I met him when we were probably 10 years old--that's a long time) so I also know that it would be so unfair of me to ask him to stop flying. I also think it's amazing that he's so involved with his kids and that he has the skills to do something with them that will give them memories that will last a lifetime. I have really close friends who's husbands will insist that their kids play baseball or soccer then never show up for a practice or a game. Bubs has been gone a lot for work and military stuff but when he's able he not only shows up, he coaches, he cheers, he kisses boo-boos and he gleefully celebrates the victories and talks through the losses. He is an amazing father. 

But what sucked here was his timing and his method of letting me know.  I'll deal with the later first. 

Bub's mom came over and spent all day Friday at my house--again I am blessed to have a mother-in-law who dropped everything to travel to me to help take care of things that I can't because of the medical issues I had a few weeks ago. She's been very good about not being overbearing and just doing the basics like feeing the kids, getting them to school and practices and making sure they are doing their homework. But on Friday, the kids really wanted to hang out with Evie and let her take over which I think offended my mother-in-law and instead of taking her loss and come back another day, she pouted around the house an stress cleaned and did things like rearrange the pantry--all things that didn't need to be done but she did it with lots of heavy signs and slamming things around.  Bubs got home very late so  finally Evie asked me what she should do and I told her, just come hang out with me--give my mother-in-law her way and see if that at least makes her quiet down. It somewhat worked but while Evie and I hid out in the bedroom watching White Lotus I could not stand to hear my mother-in-law's voice one more time. When Bubs finally got home I said that he had to get her gone--he could to it nicely--but Evie was ready for bed (her "room" is right next to the kitchen and really only has a privacy screen and not a door) and I wanted to spend some time with him. He was able to get his mom gone in record time and I thought my day was finally looking up. 

So not to get graphic but we've been fucking like rabbits because I want this baby out. Whether or not its an old wives' tale that sex induces labor, at least orgasms feel good. The post coital bliss really had me really feeling good when out of the blue he says "oh yeah, I forgot to tell you--I'm taking my Dad and the kids flying tomorrow" with the same tone as if to say he was going to brush his teeth. I said I was pretty sure he didn't have a reserve weekend--he said no that he had arranged to rent a Cessna airplane (or in my view, a tiny flying death trap) because he had never flown with his dad and he thought it was a nice way to repay him for all that they have done for us. Still in utter shock--I asked why the kids? And he said that he'd never flown with them either, he felt like an absentee dad because he was working such long hours and they've always wanted to go. I stammered for a second and said "um you know we are about to have a baby right?" Again, his casualness pissed me off and he responded with "well probably 'not tomorrow and we'll be back by 1 at the latest." I told him there's no way he can do this. He hit me back with some sort of jargon that if he doesn't fly this weekend then he'll have to get checked out on the Cessna again or some such crap. I told him that if he really felt like this was important to him then go. He said that he really needed to sleep since he was flying but if I really didn't want them to go he would cancel--of course because he always cares about money--he moaned "we'll lose our deposit on the rental and maybe the fuel but that's not too big of deal." I gritted my teeth and told him to go to sleep but really I wanted to fight all night long until he told me that he he wasn't going to go flying because he didn't want to go flying. But I knew I wasn't going to get my way so I wanted the fucking idiot was going to fly my babies around to at least be well rested. I stared at the wall the entire night having visions of the state police knocking on my door saying saying "we're really sorry ma'am but we have some bad news...." 

I was not aware that he had not told the kids so my in-laws got to the house really early and my husband and father in law went into their rooms to wake them up and let each of them know the exciting news for the day. Well, overly-worried-downer-bitch-mom can't possibly compete with "hey kids we're going on the ultimate roller coaster ride today!!" So I seethed in anger as smiled as best I cold and told the kids that I hoped that had a great time while I stared daggers at my husband. My mother in law was not so subtle as she straight up told Bubs "this is one of the dumbest decisions I've ever seen a man make. If I have to drive that little girl to the hospital to have your baby, I will never forgive either of you." Bubs and my father-in-law are pretty immune to her attempts to make them feel guilty but her forthrightness in front of the kids shocked them a bit but they still went anyways. 

My mother-in-law made plans with a friend she's made and while I appreciated her taking my side, I was very relieved that she wasn't going to be my shoulder to cry one.  Fortunately for me, I have a person who may as well be a Disney Princess staying with me. When Evie came in to check on me, she was shocked too. She first asked if there as any chance of me going into labor today. I said I didn't think so. She next asked if going to Target would allowed on my bedrest. I said probably not but since I am supposed to go on slow walks, a slow jaunt around Target would probably be ok. She said that was perfect and to get ready and bring Bub's credit card because retail therapy would be the best thing to get my mind off what the rest of my family was actually doing that day. God I love that girl and we had a lot of fun and my only regret is that I didn't get to see Bub's face when he turned his phone back on and the Citibank app notified him "Citi. Target. $973.42" 

So why did this bother me so much. Here's a list in no particular order. 

1. I'm about to give birth. Even if he were just going to go visit that airport, it's too far away. And that's before he was even going to go flying for a couple of hours. Like the utter irresponsibility of that is insane. Yes I had my mother-in-law and I had Evie just in case but no wife ever wants to say "good thing you were risking your life while someone else got me to the labor ward!" 

2. I hate flying. I despise it. I put it up with because we have to get places. I put up with it for him because its what he's always wanted to do and I see the incredible amount of safety protocols the military goes through the make sure that he, his crew and their aircraft are safe before he event gets behind the controls. The little plane that he rented lives at dusty little airport in the middle of no where and who knows what sort of person fills it with gas or checks the oil--or makes sure the wings are bolted on correctly. 

3. He's been working insane hours--yes that is completely out of his control and his company did not anticipate how the tariffs would affect their business. So at least part time he's been called back to work under his old boss in their Asian manufacturing division. The boss that I despise who does not care at all about families. I understand and I know its not his fault but one of the reasons we moved away from my family was that his new job was supposed to have him home by 5:30pm every day. The week that he had to work late and was more or less told "we get that your wife is having a baby and you can take family leave but it would be a bad idea if you did--layoffs may be on the horizon" is probably not a good time for him to announce at 11pm on Friday that he's going to spend one of his only days off away from me. 

4. With the way he announced it to the kids, I was put in the position to be the fun police which I hate. I know he's always going to be more fun than me and the kid are always going to look forward to hanging out with him more than they are me. It's part of being a mom I think. But if he had talked to me on Tuesday or Wednesday--we could have a had a rational discussion before the kids even knew and we could have made arrangements for them to go at a later date. But that morning, the kids woke up to grandpa saying "hey kids, we are going to go up in the air fly around! Isn't that going to be amazing!" So the kids would hate resented the big-back, bed ridden, uninvolved mom even more than they already do had I told them no. 

So after all was said and done, everything was fine. They got home a little late but Bubs had the kids call me as they were still in the airplane but on the ground safely which I really appreciated. However, he ruined that by getting the phone from them and tried to joke "hey worry wort, we are down but we have more or chance of getting in an accident driving home than we did in the plane." His joke did not have the desired affect because I wanted to strangle him.  

My mother-in-law had finished up and was back at our house by the time they all got back so Bubs and his dad got to walk in to three very angry women. TJ came sprinting into the house with a little toy airplane grandpa had gotten him saying "mom, mom, mom that was so fun. Do you know that the Marines have fighter planes!! I can be in a plane like dad and still kill stuff? Dad said I can do that if I want and he'll help me!"  Great buddy, just great--I can think of nothing I want more. Abby was uncharacteristically excited but still way more reserved and said that she had so much fun that she thinks she wants to go the Air Force Academy and dad said he would be so proud of her because he didn't get to go. Wow Bubs--on a day of colossal fuck ups on your part--you cap it off by having my kids wanting to make my biggest phobia their career. Lovely.

Usually I hate my mother-in-law's huffing and puffing but she let out an amazing sigh and said that it would be a good idea if we went out to dinner and maybe the kids sleep in the RV because she was sure that Bubs and I had some things we need to talk about. Evie said that she was going to try and hook up with a friend she went to high school with who lives on the other side of town. 

 I wanted to have an epic knock down fight with Bubs but I just couldn't. It was a combination of utter relief that they were all back and safe, exhaustion from not having slept and just being tired from being angry all day. I just laid in bed and cried. I don't even know for how long. I think the only thing I said to him the entire night was that I wanted a chicken strip basket and an Oreo blizzard from Dairy Queen. I was so upset with him that I wanted him to rub my back but I couldn't stand the feeling of his touch. I wanted him to say that he was sorry but his stupid voice was sending me into a rage.  Like I get that I'm irrational and I make a lot of mistakes when it comes to our relationship--but I don't think I'm wrong on this one but there was nothing he could do to make it right. 

I've softened a bit to him since these contractions have started--since I've started typing this we are at about every ten minutes but not quite lasting for an hour. As much as I want to live on a woman only compound with Evie and my sisters and raise all our kids in bubble wrap, today I have to admit that I need him. It definitely feels good to get all of this out so thank you for going on the journey of stupid Bubs and pregnant Danielle. I have a feeling the next time I type something, it will be with new member of the family. Who will NEVER go flying with her/his dad--sorry Bubs this one is mine.