Come on baby, we are ready to meet you! And why my name is Danielle (and a round about follow up to yesterday).

 Ready for more self indulgent blather? I sure hope so. I had an OB appointment today and this kid apparently loves me so much that they are going to go the distance. By this point with the first two, I was having tons of false contractions, they had dropped and they were ready to join us out in the world. Both Abby and TJ came about 15 days early and while they were a little underweight, it was nothing to be concerned about. I don't remember induction even being a topic but today the OB said we are far from making that decision but she wanted me to be familiar with it. I just looked it up and they don't usually want to induce until 41 weeks so I'm not sure if that was her subtle way at hinting that she thinks we are going to go past next Friday.  

So with that, here I am in bed again. After Evie helped me waddle in from the car, my servant crew (Evie, my mother-in-law and father-in-law) took over all the duties I'm supposed to have as a mom of two young kids.  They wouldn't let me do anything if I wanted to and I love them for it--but it's so frustrating and angering at the same time because it makes me feel as if I'm some sort of overfed incubation chamber. I asked the doctor today if I could start doing more than my short walks and she basically said there is no reason to risk further strain on the hematomas when I have this little time left. 

So self indulgence here we come. Bubs was a little worried that Jenn was going to be upset about my blog yesterday. I kind of knew she wouldn't because I actually think that in her heart of hearts she really enjoyed stealing Jacob the fisherman from me. Quite a lofty accusation but I know but there are times where I did things to her for which I should have remorse, but because we are sisters I still quietly gloat about. Jenn loved my blog from yesterday and she actually brought up a situation where the Jacob situation reared its ugly head years later and I ended up calling her a bitch in front all the girls in our family. And because the threads of our lives weave together in weird ways, Jacob the fisherman and my name being Danielle intersected in full, sisterly drama. 

One of you very, very astute readers notice that I made a post on reddit this week about help with baby names and they made a comment saying that I have talked about how I am the only person in my family that doesn't have a "J" name and until my mom could explain it in a way that made sense, I really thought it was because they didn't like me as much. We have James, Janet, Jennifer, Danielle, Jessica and James Jr. That fact that we call James Jr Brian notwithstanding, does one of those names stick out to you? Because it sure did to me as a kid.  I was worried when was old enough to make out that it was a 4 to 1 ratio, I was 8 when the ratio became 5 to 1 and I was convinced that I was either adopted or going to be sent to the orphanage because I just wasn't like the others. I think I was 9 when my mom really sat me down to explain why my name didn't fit in with the rest. 

So as it turns out I was supposed to be Jessica. But shortly before I was born a movie called "The Man in the Moon" came out. It was Reese Witherspoon's first movie and she played a girl named "Dani Trant." I believe the movie came out in November of 1991 and seeking distraction from being pregnant with me, my mom says she saw it about 20 times in he theater. To this day, its her favorite movie and she loves the story and she loves the character Dani. My mom is an incredibly pragmatic woman but as she tells it today, she came home from seeing the movie in the late afternoon picked up the evening paper and saw in the obituary that a childhood friend named Danielle had just died of cancer. That was her sign from God that if I turned out to be a girl, she had to name me Danielle. As it turns out "Danielle" (me) joined the family in December of 1991. 

For many years my mom just explained to me that I was named after a good friend but she couldn't tell me about the movie character. I hate to spoil it but there is one of the saddest scenes in just about any movie and one you definitely shouldn't show a kid until they are old enough to have some concept of their own mortality. Probably when I was about 10 my mom finally decided to share The Man in the Moon with me. Just like her I absolutely fell in love with Dani Trant and the character is probably responsible for a lot of my vibe and esthetic to this day. Don't get me wrong, I love getting dressed up but I am most comfortable in shorts, one of my husband's t-shirts and simple sneakers. I love fishing, I love skinny dipping, I love being playful and I never really wanted to grow up. But at the same time, I was shocked senseless when the sad scene happened and it affected me for days to learn that people who aren't "old" can actually die. 

In the movie, Dani has an older sister Maureen. In many ways, Maureen and Dani's relationship mirrors that of me and Jennifer. We are the best of friends but Maureen is gorgeous, Dani is cute but gangly. The entire small town loves Maureen but they think Dani is the weird girl who doesn't quite fit in. It's even more fitting when Dani falls in love with the cute farm boy next door and Maureen swoops in and steals him from her. I actually can't believe I didn't think of this yesterday when I was introducing Jacob the fisherman (sorry that Jenn never tried to steal you away Bubs). 

The point of my blog yesterday was to sort of let my sisters off the hook when it comes to the three of us holding grudges--and I can't believe Jenn actually had to remind me of this when we talked today-my grudge over Jacob the fisherman reared its head in a pretty nasty way. On my 26th birthday, Bubs was in Florida with his old reserve unit and I was pregnant with TJ. I hate it when Bubs flies and I was super depressed that he wouldn't be there for my birthday. I was pregnant, sad and missing my husband so I was already geared up to be a neurotic mess. My mom was very sweet and she decided that a perfect way to celebrate my birthday would be to get all the girls in the family together and watch the movie that was at least partly responsible for my name being Danielle. It was so sweet and I felt very loved. My mom and sisters went through a ton of work to decorate Jenn's house and they invited everyone who could appreciate watching a sad but sweet movie together. I think after all was said and done it was me, my mom, my sisters, a couple of my cousins and some friends and the principal I was working for. To this day, it may be one of the sweetest and most thoughtful birthday party anyone has ever thrown for me. 

As we settled in from the food and cake to watch the movie, my mom even gave a little speech about about how much she loved The Man in the Moon and how she cried so hard when she found out her friend had died of cancer and she knew with the plucky little girl in the movie sharing the name with her plucky friend from her home town, she had to name me Danielle. It was so sweet. 

In the movie there's a scene were Court the farm boy gets home from a cute "kid" date with Dani and is introduced to Maureen. It's not a big, dramatic moment. and unfolds gradually, almost quietly, through body language and eye contact. There’s a shift in Court that’s undeniable as he meets Maureen. Maybe it's the way she carries herself, her quiet strength, or her maturity. Whatever it is, it hits him all at once. The actor, Jason London plays it perfectly as he doesn't say a word and you can see in his eyes that he sees Maureen in a way he never saw Dani, even though he and Dani had been close friends on the verge of romance. For Dani, it’s devastating. She’s watching this shift happen in real time, and you can see it all over her face—the confusion, heartbreak, and betrayal. She had this innocent, hopeful connection with Court, and in an instant, it’s eclipsed by something more grown-up and complicated. I had seen the movie probably 100 times at that point but be it pregnancy hormones, missing Bubs or and everlasting sense of inadequacy when compared to my older sister--all I could see was Jennifer standing on the dock in her bikini and the way Jacob the fisherman looked at her while at the same time suddenly seeing me as this hanger-on kid who wouldn't leave him alone.  

In front of everyone I started sobbing. Of course my friends and family thought it was me missing  Bubs or I was worried about Abby being with a baby sitter--or I was just pregnant and hormonal. My mom asked me what was wrong and I said I couldn't watch the movie any more. She said "honey that's fine of course...we'll turn it off."  I was a blubbering mess and said "no, I can't watch it with her!!!" and I pointed at Jenn. Jenn looked as shocked as I've ever seen anyone. She said "what me? what did I do?"

I said "how can you watch this scene and not know?" Jenn said that she had no idea. I said "you seriously don't remember Jacob from Destin?" As much as the other women in the room might have been given the ick by the drama unfolding in front of them, now that there was a guy's name involved they were locked in. What made it even worse is I could see my sisters brain scrolling through all of her potential suitors and her eyes perked up when she remembered who Jacob was. That fact that she was happily reliving the memory of the gorgeous, mop haired kid made me even more mad . She said "Jacob? The fishing boat kid?" I responded with "YES! the guy you stole from me when you tricked Dad into taking you fishing with us! And don't tell me you didn't screw him on the beach! I saw you guys!" So now the room was silent and I had probably put everyone in the most uncomfortable moment they'd ever seen in real life. My sister responded with "Dani, I'm really sorry that was a long time ago and it was wrong of me, I didn't realize he meant that much to you." My mom jumped in with "Honey, you are sisters and you are both married now please don't let this ruin our night." Again, pregnancy hormones, missing my husband, scared shitless that he actually enjoys being a pilot--I could not be reasoned with. With as much dignity as I could muster I got up and left for home. Jenn got up to follow me and said she didn't want me to leave. I replied with "you're such a bitch Jennifer, leave me alone" and left the party being thrown in my honor. I went home and cried by myself for a really long time. My mom and Jess came to check on me but I don't think I spoke to Jenn until Christmas Eve church service. 

Sometimes I look back on moments like that and cringe--well actually I'm cringing as I type this. When I was 26, married and a month away from having my second baby--I called my sister a bitch because she stole my rebound guy when I was 16. Not a good look Dani.  But I also kind of realize that the ridiculous fights over who stole who's jeans, who actually took the roses or whether or not my sister actually had sex with the guy I had a major crush on are healthy. Two of my cousins who were at that birthday party should be as close as I am with my sisters but they never fought and they never said mean things to each other, rather it was a near forced sense of niceness that my aunt and uncle imposed on them. These days they hardly even know each other. I'm always so shocked that when I talk to either of them I have to fill them in what the other is doing. For example my cousin had no idea that her sister's kid got a full ride scholarship to play basketball at a major university. Yesterday, Jenn, Jess and I Facetimed for probably an hour because Bubs has a huge cyst pimple on his earlobe and we strategized how I could talk him into letting me pop it and film it so they could see. Are we weird and immature and gross? For sure but comparing us to our cousins, I know the way I like it. I think the fights that we have are a huge safety valve--yes we have said horrible things to each other but we also know how to apologize, how to make up and how to pick up right where we left off before the fight. 

So a quick update, I wrote all the above yesterday afternoon and I wasn't sure I really liked it because it makes me look like such a fool. It's now 5:20 the following morning and my first Braxton-Hicks contraction woke up in a shot. They aren't regular and I think I've only had two or three but it means something is starting to happen with this baby! I figured I'd revisit this blog to try and keep my mind busy. I've made some edits which may make this appear kind of clunky so I apologize if its hard to read.

When I write something like this I never know how it's going to be received--are people going to finally hate me because I am so weird, mean and irrational? Are people going to think less of Jenn because of what she did when she was 18 and I was 16? I guess that's the problem with trying to be truthful while still trying to find some of the humor in these situations--people are people and they do weird, mean and irrational stuff. I guess what I'm trying to say (as I anticipate another contraction) is that I feel so much love for my family, specifically my sisters. And yes, it was really mean for Jenn to knowingly steal a guy from me--but if she hadn't I probably would have been the one on the beach in a compromising position. I wasn't on birth control and looking back, I bet 19 year old Jacob could have talked 16 year old me into just about anything. And that's not even not even considering that I ended up reconnecting with Bubs shortly after we got home from that trip. We didn't get back together right away but we eventually did and here I am having his third baby (hopefully any day now!). Had my sister not shown up on that dock looking sexy as all hell, I would have certainly come back to Texas in love with a boy from Alabama and probably pregnant. Jacob was a super sweet guy but who knows how he would have reacted to that reality. I know he and my sister tried to keep some sort of relationship going but he ended up enlisting in the Army and last I heard he is some sort of Special Forces guy--which wasn't for her at all. I think we saw him one more time after that fateful trip. 

So if I've spent 3 separate days writing about this, I guess it still bothers me. But because Jenn did what she did I am exactly where I've always wanted to be.  I hated her at the time, 10 years later I got so mad I ruined my birthday party and called her a bitch in front of about 10 other women. And I'm gritting my teeth now thinking about how mean it was. But Jenn, you and your stunning good looks, huge tits and perfect butt are one of the reasons why we will soon have a new family member to dote on. Thank you. Bitch.