Another day of bedrest, another day of my amazing family treating me like a queen--and I am so bored.

We are officially less than two weeks away from my due date of April 18th. This is absolutely going to be my last pregnancy. He may not know it yet but a certain man is going to go under the knife and get a little snip snip--and he has no choice in the matter. Well no choice unless he never wants to get laid again because I'm not having another surprise like I did in August of last year--where I went to a psychiatrist who ordered a pregnancy test just for my peace of mind, and well, I'm giving birth in less than two weeks. Other than the modified bedrest, this by far has been the easiest of my pregnancies. I think with the first I was a nervous wreck and didn't know what to expect. With the second, I had a toddler in tow, I was wheeling and dealing with Bub's aunt and uncle to buy our house and on top of it, I was teaching kindergartners who would say things like "Mrs M, are you going to get fired because you are having a baby?" and "My dad says you are pretty now but your looks will go after you have baby." 

We did have some eventful moments to be sure, like moving and having a rental furniture company threaten to sue us (because I refused to pay for furniture they didn't deliver), some intense therapy--and don't forget all the bleeding (sorry). But my moods have been good, I haven't really had the searing heartburn like I did with the first two, no hemorrhoid's and morning sickness that kind of went away as soon as it appeared. I am also more mature and more experienced and my kids are largely self sufficient (at least around the house, they still need to get places). And in addition to that, I have one of the most amazing families I could ever ask for. My future sister-in-law has more or less moved in with us and is here to help take care of the kids in-between her classes, my husband's boss's wife is about the sweetest adopted grandma I have ever met and my in-laws literally drove across three states in the middle of the night to help out and have not left (and don't seem like they have any plans to--my mother in law and the boss's wife have become the best of friends). Part of the benefit of having all those people is that I am doted on from the time I wake up until its time to go to bed. Big fat Queen Danielle has every need met because I had a couple episodes of bleeding. It's almost like they are having a competition as to who can get to me the fastest when I need something and it's pretty amazing--but I am also so bored. 

I think when I get bored I get a little self indulgent and that's why I'm here now. After a mad scramble and some excitement of getting everyone where the needed to go (Abby, Bubs and my father in law are going across town for a wrestling seminar with a high school coach, my mother in law is taking TJ for a play date with Boss's grandkids and Evie is writing a paper) it's quiet and time for me to get some of me and Bub's silly memories down, both to alleviate my boredom but also for posterities sake. I think we've had a fun life together and I'd like to remember it. 

I briefly mentioned this in my blog the other day about Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney potentially being a real life couple and how I loved Anyone But You because their "I love it when we fight" banter reminds me so much of be and my husband--right down to the fact that I even got to look right at Bub's butthole when he got bit by something. Sorry dumbass--I know that's a sensitive area to you (much to my chagrin) but it's what we're talking about today.  

So to set the stage, Bubs has always been an outdoorsy type guy. His grandparents had a ranch that had been in their family forever and Bubs grew up riding horses, camping out in the back 40, hunting, shooting, putting up fences, burning brush etc. That was in addition to all the other stuff we would do growing up like tubing, rafting, waterskiing, etc.  We would also go camping together but usually it was part of a big group and fairly close to our hometown so it wasn't high adventure or anything--just kids having fun with other kids but close enough to town if anything got out of hand. 

When we were all in college, Bub's little sister started dating a guy from New Mexico who's family owned ranch land in the mountains of Northern New Mexico, sort of around a very cute little town called Taos. Since Bubs has always been a secret New Mexican at heart, he was super excited when Addie and her boyfriend asked us to go with them one weekend. They were going to check on some things on the property and planned on staying in the house and Bubs asked if it would be ok if he showed me what it was like to do "real" camping. Addie's boyfriend said sure and we got on the  road to New Mexico. I was a little suspicious because all that was in the back of Bub's truck was a duffel bag, a rolled up blanket and some tools. When I heard "real" camping I assumed he meant big campfires, hot chocolate, warm tents and cozy sleeping bags. I figured he must have a plan to borrow gear from Addie's boyfriend. 

When we got there I pulled Addie aside and said I was a little confused because her brother said we were camping but he didn't bring anything. She laughed and asked me if I'd really been with him for all this time and had never gone on one of his "camping" trips. I said we'd camped by the river plenty of times and it was always fine. She said that I really needed to make sure I knew what I was in for before I got myself too in deep. It was at this point I asked Bubs where all our stuff was. Like I was the idiot, he looked at me and said "what stuff?" I said like tents and sleeping bags and our food. He said we were going to "rugged" camp and all we needed were a few blankets, his little pan, a knife and a few cans of Spam. I must have looked heartbroken as my vision of S'mores, cute camping PJ's and a near gourmet meal cooked over a camp stove was replaced in my minds eye by two dirty people on an Army style death march around the mountains.  

It didn't help that the ranch house was this absolutely adorable historic looking home with amazing wood trim, a chef's kitchen and a huge fireplace--not to mention a comfy bed and running water. I told Bubs there was no way I was sleeping on the ground if this was the alternative--and seeing as how we were now married, I felt I could tell him I didn't want him doing that either. He scoffed at me and told me he would be fine and set out into the hills to find his "home" for the evening. I was annoyed with him that he didn't take me seriously but Addie's boyfriends mom made us an amazing dinner, we had awesome wine and the super fun game of Monopoly. The activities took my mind off the fact that if I followed the laws of God and man, I would some day have kids with a guy who likes to sleep in the dirt.  I'd had just enough wine that a comfy buzz put me right to sleep in the very cozy bed in my own bedroom for the evening. 

At like 3 in the morning I was shaken awake by "Dani, Dani--wake up." It took me a minute to realize that it was my husband standing over me but since I was in the room and he wasn't supposed to be, something must have gone wrong. I asked him if he was ok and he said that something bit him and he was in a lot of pain. That really got my attention and I sprung up and asked him where. He said to please  keep it quiet because it's really embarrassing but he needed me to look because it hurt so bad.  I thought he was going to say under his armpit or back of his leg but when he said "it's between my butt cheeks" I couldn't help it and let out of a laugh so hard it had to have woken up everyone on our side of the house. He said "Dani, please, just keep it quiet, it really hurts." He was clearly in pain so I started to feel a little sorry for him but not so much that I didn't feel a sense of justice that had he just come to bed with me, I would have screwed his brains out and we would both be in post coital slumber. 

I asked him how he wanted me to look, he said he needed me to stop being a smartass and help him. I told him I guess it's best he put his hands on the bed and just bend over with me behind him. As he "assumed the position" with his underwear around his ankles, I couldn't help myself and said "oh yeah bend over baby." His adamant "Danielle, STOP IT." Made me laugh even harder and apparently so loud that Addie knocked on the door and said "Dani, is everything ok?" I told her to open the door and see for herself. Bubs said "Addie, please just leave us alone, everything is fine." She said "Craig, what are you doing here? Is everything ok?" 

The fact that I was standing behind my bent over husband with a flashlight staring up his naked ass crack with his little sister knocking on the door was too much for me to bear and I started howling laughing. It was even funnier because of how confident he had been marching off into the mountains and now was in such a compromised position. Finally he pleaded with me that he was in a lot of pain and please just look so he can see if he needed to go to the ER. Through the door Addie asked if she could get us anything and I said we probably should at least get a first aid kit at the ready. She said she would set it outside the door. I looked and sure enough, he had a huge sore that looked like a pimple with a white head on it pretty far up his butt crack. It looked really bad so I helped arrange some pillows on the bed  so could lay face down and got on my phone and looked up bug and spider bites. The bite itself was just too non-specific to narrow it down but the good thing was he didn't have any symptoms of poison or venom. 

By the time we figured out that we really didn't know what we were dealing with, everyone in the house was up and moving and the recommended that we get on the road for Las Vegas (New Mexico!) since it would have the closest ER.  So we packed up and headed in and Bubs got the pleasures of me driving his truck down a crazy mountain road which is probably the scariest drive I've ever had to do. As much fun as I'd had in the middle of the night, I was now livid with him because it was his stupid "rugged" camping that put is in this position. 

We ended up having to wait in the ER for hours and Bubs was pretty much told there's not much that can be done but keep it clean and apply a salve they prescribed. With that we started on the drive back to Texas. On the nice open roads, I felt a lot more comfortable and started joking with him that I had seen his cute little butthole and it was nice to have the tables turned for once and maybe exposing himself like that awakened something and we could be a little bit more experimental in the bedroom. He was still in a lot of pain and pretty much said "you are really not funny." Well, I thought I was hilarious.

So the epilogue to the little camping trip is that the wound never really started to get better over the next week like it should have. So it was back to the ER but this time they told him that while the bite caused the initial would, MRSA bacteria had got in there and it was now pretty serious. What had been a little prick of a bite was now a hole about half inch wide and really deep. The nurse taught me how to clean and repack the hole with gauze which I did take very seriously because the MRSA thing scared me. Though she was really cute and it was quite fun teasing him on the way home that he'd actually just had a threesome because he had two women poking fingers around in his ass crack at the same time. He was sick of me at that point. Too bad buddy, you made your choice to be a dumbass, I made the choice to have fun with you. 

So all turned out fine, I think the protocol was that I would clean and pack the wound twice a day and then we went to urgent care every third day to make sure it was getting better. Finally it did, though  Bubs still has a scar mere centimeters away from his butthole from the bite/MRSA combination which I don't get to see nearly as often as I feel I have a right to--seeing as how I'm one who took care of him. Whenever I get silly and ask him to see it, he very sternly and seriously tells me "I think you've had enough fun with that. No" which makes it all the funnier to me.