This one is specifically for my sisters and brother

 Hello everyone...I'm sorry about my little meltdown last week. I still haven't quite had the courage to check the comments either here or reddit (or vice versa, wherever you are reading this) and this is the first time I'm logging into these accounts in over a week.  

I had a great time with my sisters but I'm still not totally feeling myself. I know that my hormones are a disaster right now but I also know that some other things are going on but with some effort, they will be worked out in due time. It was a little over a two hour drive to Scottsdale last weekend and my two sisters spent the entire drive talking to me about how worried they are about me, how I need to chill out when it comes to my husband and reminded me that I am incredibly fortunate but I don't act like it sometimes. It's hard to hear two of the people you love the most be so direct but I know they were doing it out of love.  I need to gather some thoughts before I write about all of that, maybe have a couple more therapy appointments. We shall see. 

So one of the things that I don't mention often is that my sisters both read every blog post the second it pops up and my brother when he gets around to it. I wish they would get active in the comments but they will usually just text or call me with their responses. But I do love knowing that they are reading. As we were sobbing our way to the airport on Sunday, they both said they would like to see some more family stories on my blog. For some crazy reason, they think I write it better than they could. OK, Jenn and Jess, you're wrong but I guess I'm the only one of us who has a blog. 

The one that came to mind today really does make me laugh. And one of the reasons its so funny to me is that Mother Hen Jenn was totally in the clear and would have "trouble" credit over Jess and I for years if she would have just kept her mouth shut--but she screamed out one of the funniest things that was ever heard in our house, and in front of our dad no less..."I look like I was in a goddamned S and M porn!" That line alone spread the trouble 3 ways instead of 2--and I'm still thankful she said. 

So here goes...we were not allowed to even think about wearing thong underwear when we were young. It was actually pretty common but my mom thought it was so unsanitary and wouldn't even have the discussion with us. Of course as teenage girls, we did it anyways but we were really good at hiding it.  I believe Jenn was 16 because we had just moved out of the room that we had shared since Jess had been born.  Jess and I happened to be passing Jenn's room and we could see her laying on her stomach on her bed wearing a thong with her completely exposed butt cheeks up in the air. She was listening to her Ipod and didn't hear us giggling. It looked like she had meant to shot her door but it was cracked open enough for us to see. 

Our bright idea was to get Brian, who would have been 6, to sneak in and smack her butt with a belt. Don't ask me why we thought this was a good idea but being the absolute little shit that he was, he was only to happy to oblige. We got him a belt and he did a great job of sneaking in behind her. We thought that at worst he would give her a light tap to get her attention. Instead he hauled off and gave a grand-slam swing that the belt actually made a whipping noise as it came down on her bare bottom and lower back. The sound of leather on skin literally resonated through the house. She jumped up with a shriek and the look of rage and pain on her face scared the shit out of us so Jess reached up and pulled the door shut and she and I ran away. To this day Brian and Jenn won't talk about what happened behind that closed door but it sounded like a WWE match there was so much commotion going on. 

Maybe a minute later, Jenn, still in her thong, came screaming out her door saying "I'm going to kill you! I'm literally going to kill you two! That hurt so fucking bad! You are dead!"  I was truly terrified and was hiding behind a coat rack in our entry way and as she could pass me I could see that she had a belt sized welt across both cheeks well up to her back--it was completely red on her skin. Jess and I had split up and poor Jess was discovered first but her survival instinct kicked in and she cried "It was Dani's idea--she's hiding behind the coat rack!" (uh not true! it was both of ours!). I could see fury in Jenn's eyes as she stormed into the entry way and flung the full coat rack across the room and grabbed be my shirt to drag me out. 

As I was about to be beaten senseless, by some miracle our dad walked in the front door and grabbed Jenn and her cocked fist about to reign blows down on me. It took Jenn less than a second to tell Dad about what we had done and I honestly thought he was going to let Jenn beat the crap out of us he was so mad. Jess and I got dragged by the arm to sit down on the couch and yelled out with how viciously mean that was and how we don't do stuff like that in our house. Our mom walked in shortly after and she joined in the harangue--it was probably the most trouble we had ever been in.  

Jenn had stormed off to the downstairs bathroom to check herself out her welt in the mirror. Had she had the brains to stay there, she would have gotten off scot-free. But nope, she Mother Hen Jenn had to help my parents by being the third disciplinarian so she came screaming out, still in her thong underwear showing her bare butt to our parents and said "Look at what they did! I look like I was in a goddamned S and M porn!"  

It was like a record scratch moment in a TV show.  From our perspective you could see the questions ticking off in our parents brains; Did you really just say goddamn? why can we see your bare butt? Why are you wearing a thong? How do you know what S and M is? How would you even know that S and M porn exists?  My mom grabbed Jenn by the arm and led her off the their bedroom. I guess my parents reasoned that mom was much better to handle the "lady" parts of the discussion. We could hear them yelling at each other for a good 30 minutes. My dad on the other hand was so dumbfounded by what he had seen and heard from his oldest daughter that he just told me and Jess "Uhhh don't ever do anything like that again. I'll talk to your mom about grounding you" and went to the outside of the door and yelled through that Jenn better not yell back at his wife or there was going to be real trouble. Jenn got very quiet and just took whatever tongue lashing my mom had to give her. 

I can't even imagine how much trouble Jess and I would have been in had Jenn not had to get in her "last word." Our parents 100% believed her but she couldn't keep it together and had to be part of the discipline. I mean rightly so but Jenn was mad at us for months over that--but even at 14 it was so funny to me how she got in trouble too. 

Love you guys so much and I miss you already--don't worry when I get around to it I'll post the story what finally got all of us off the hook--our six year old brother's obsession with women's boobies on the internet!