For Evie--thank you for sticking up for me today and here's a story about young Brian

 My long term readers will know that when I get obsessed about something, I get truly obsessed. My latest obsession is the fact that I will have a family member moving close to me here in a matter of weeks. I have called my brother at least 3 times today, which has been about how much I've been calling him every day since I found out there was a good chance of him really moving to Yuma. In my head, all of these calls are justified, to him I'm bugging the crap out of him. Sorry buddy, get over it. 

Today he and Evie were driving from our neighborhood back to Austin. I was super annoyed at Brian because it would have been the first time I would have been able to see the entire family on facetime since we moved and he insisted on acting like a little brat and wouldn't hop on the call with my sisters and mom. He told me I could call him when they were on their way back but when I did, he answered and said something about me me so freaking annoying. I could heard a minor scuffle in the background and I was a little worried they were getting in an accident but I could hear a muffled conversation in the background. What I'm pretty sure I heard was "Brian, be nice to her. She's so excited we are moving close and she loves you" and then he picked up the phone and his tone had markedly gotten nicer. I asked him if Evie had said something to him and he said "she wants me to be nicer to you" I asked if he was going to listen to her and he said that I'm too big of a pain in the ass for him to ever be nicer to me. Evie apparently grabbed his phone and said he didn't mean and she and I had a great conversation for the rest of their drive.  As payback, I promised her I'd embarrass him in public. Here goes. 

Our little brother who is 10, 8 and 6 years younger than his three older sisters, has always been obsessed with boobs. I mean from stealing our Victoria's Secrets catalogs to drawing pictures of boobs, to having a husband wanting to beat him up at Schlitterbahn for his focused stare...Brian loved boobs. What we didn't know is that Brian's obsession led him to looking up some pretty naughty websites on our family computer. Since he was by far the most knowledgeable member of the house when it came to computers, usually he was pretty good at covering his tracks. 

As a part of this story I need to say is that my parents rarely ever fought. My mom was too cool and while my dad would get angry, he always saw my mom as his "bride" and would let whatever minor frustrations he had with her roll off his back. So when the would fight, it was a cataclysmic event in our household. My younger sister and I would be convinced they were getting a divorce, my older sister would try to be the mediator and Brian took the opportunity to get away with murder. 

One night we were all upstairs and we hear my mom shriek "James, I can't believe I literally can't believe you!" Our dad was as dumbfounded as we were because he asked her what was wrong. She screamed back "there's teenage porn on the computer! Where the girls and Brian might find it!" My dad was more upset at the accusation and he screamed back "Janet after all these years! How dare you accuse me of something like that!" But the truth was undeniable right on the computer were hundreds of downloaded pictures from some sort of website that focused on 18 and 19 year old girls. I have to give my dad credit here, I can't imagine him ever looking at porn and I especially can't imagine him looking at porn focused on barely legal girls. But my mom wasn't having it...she was convinced that he was looking at porn. My sisters and I were watching the fight from behind the wall while sitting on the stairs really wondering where this was going to go...it was so out of character for both of them.  At one point in the argument my mom said something like "is this what you want? all of these girls have tits the size of watermelons! What is wrong with you?!" 

Out of sight of my parents, we all looked at each other and the answer was instantly clear to us. My older sister went upstairs to Brian's room and we heard a major scuffle but she could still overpower him and she dragged him downstairs saying "Mom, Dad Brian has something he needs to tell you guys." He tried to deny it at first but as my parents started to do a little digging it turned out that the pics were all in folders Brian had created with names like "COD" (Call of duty ) and "Star Wars: Clone Wars." Subjects my dad didn't even know existed, let alone knew enough about to create folders on the family computer. It turns out Brian had been on the computer right as they had gotten home and had made his quickly made his escape without closing the pics.  

After Jenn dragged Brian into the living room and after Brian confessed, Jess and I were super curious to see the pics so we ran in to see if we could gawk before the pics were deleted. Although Brian and I have different taste in women, I have to say that I was exceptionally jealous that he had figured out how to get away with it for so long. I wanted to look at pics of girls so bad but I had been forced to buy men's magazines--with my own money no less. He had the guts to just download what he wanted for free.  

As I have said many times, my parents were essentially out of energy to punish kids by the time Brian was of age and I will never forget how quickly his punishment for downloading porn on the family computer lapsed--because it involves my boyfriend (now husband). Brian was supposed to have been grounded for a month--no computer, no going to see his friends, extra chores at home and church, etc... Well that lasted for about a day because Bubs came over ostensibly to hang out with me and my Mom actually pulled him away from me and gave a very brief but much less embarrassing synopsis of what happened and told my future husband "you've always been such a good influence on Brian, if I give you money would you take him to get a burger and talk about what he did being wrong way that will make sense to him?" I was fuming pissed at my mom, I was apoplectic pissed at Bubs for agreeing and leaving me at home--and I wanted to literally kill Brian for getting away with it...again. After that the punishment was all but forgotten. 

So as a punishment for downloading porn on the family computer--my little shit of a brother got a "date" with my boyfriend, paid for by my mom. And he's the one that gets annoyed with me when I try to call him and tell him how excited I am that he's moving closer to me. 

Yeah Brian--listen to your fiancé. Be nicer to me. You owe me.