Date night and some thoughts on going forward in the "public" space.

 So once again my amazing followers have given me food for thought and a reason to sit down and write (again, this will be posted on reddit and blogger so if you chose to comment, please do so where ever works for you!)  but first I have to admit that I'm sooooo much cooler than my husband, we'll at the very least I have more game than he does. 

Last night Bubs and I had our first date night in Arizona. We finally met some other neighbors and they had a 16 year old daughter who was looking to make some money. Sunday night isn't ideal for a date night but it was when she was available so we decided why not. Yesterday was a gorgeous day so we decided to head up to the outdoor mall, look around for a bit and then get dinner. 

One of the silly little games Bubs and have played for the last couple of years is to go into bars and restaurants separately and try to hit on each other. It's so stupid but its such a fun safety valve for us because we really never had the opportunity to be in "the game" of having to meet and date people. Bubs sucks so bad at it and I've been so much more successful in picking him than he ever has me. When its his turn to get hit on, I always go up to him and judge that he's a handsome, in shape guy who probably works really hard. I'm able to use this to chat him up, kind of hint that his wife and kids must be exhausting and a secret night away really wouldn't hurt...would it? He goes for it every time.  Well last night was my night to be hit on, so I took my place at the bar after putting our name on the list for a table. I was thinking after all this time he would see a large pregnant woman, be able to see that she was alone so she's probably a little sad for any number of reasons. This could be she's looking at single motherhood or it could be because it's both the first and last time she's able to go out for a while.. She's probably self conscious about the way she looks while be nervous and excited at the same time. For a cute guy like Bubs, I could have been an easy target. He came up to me and asked me "hi, can I buy you a drink?" UGGGGGHHHHH. That man is so lucky to have me because who in the hell would go up to a pregnant woman and asks her to buy her a drink! If he were a single man in his 30s, he'd be the loneliest single man in his 30s! I almost didn't have dinner with him out of principle. I deserve way more than "hi, can I buy you a drink!" NO, loser! 

So one of the things I mentioned way, way, way back in the day was that I was contacted by an agency who represents "influencers" on social media...and then I never really mentioned it again. The lady who contacted me was so nice and I think was very genuine but after giving it lots of thought for a couple of months, both Bubs and I decided that it wasn't for us. When I told Bonnie about this she just asked that I talk to another one of her people in the "mom-sphere" to get a perspective of what it was really like. I called her before Christmas and I don't want to say who I talked to because what I'm about to say would ruin her image--and it shows me that Bonnie was very genuine--because this girl was sick of it. She's started off as a very organic influencer posting about she and her husband going to school together, him going on to a professional graduate school and having two kids along the way. She said she doesn't hate her life but she feels like she has created a monster from which she will never be able to escape. She said that she gets at least a dozen messages a day from women and men wanting to have sex with her husband, she's blocked thousands of people for saying ugly things about her kids and she is under constant scrutiny. Even people who like her will point out when her eyes look tired or that her boobs have drooped or that her kids are dirtier than usual. But she has to keep posting because its a huge chunk of their livelihood. This girl is closing in on a million followers and while  I wouldn't expect to ever be that big, I just don't want the downside. 

Interestingly enough, this got brought up at my second therapy appointment on Friday. She really wanted to get into the "reddit" aspect of how all this blew up. We spent most of the session talking about how I was processing what happened to me while my husband was convinced that I had cheated on him and unwilling to talk to me about it--while at the same time seeing my story continuously be talked about on YouTube, reddit, tiktok and Instagram. She agreed that I'm very lucky in that something worse didn't happen to me but she said that it's very rare that an SA victim will have to justify what happened to them in the virtual face of tens of thousands of people who will always believe the first version of the story that they read. When I told her that the very public  blow up had actually led to a potential income as an influencer, she asked me if I could handle that. I told her I pretty much had already decided no, that I can't. 

We talked about this blog and she said she's read some of the posts and thinks its a good idea to keep it up. But one thing she really wants me to think about is what I'm trying to do here and what it would cost me if I were to become more public; to post pics of myself and my family. Or to post videos of the silly dances I do with my sisters or singing in the car with my niece (if it's not obvious, I'm kinda homesick today).  I told her that I've already thought about it and I think I'm able to be much more honest if I'm more anonymous. She said that was kind of what she was getting at. That the second I become "real," as in a face to go with the story--that's probably who I am going to be talking to, that she thinks I would curate my honesty in order to protect the image of the real me. She said it's not necessarily bad or good and it's something I can change my mind on in the future but really wants me to think about what I am trying to accomplish when I write. As I have said over and over again, its to get out the thoughts that rattle around inside my head--I don't know if I could do that if I were protecting myself, my husband or my kids. 

Now that's not to say I don't to get to know some of you who have been around for a while. Although I'm terrible at responding, I've gotten to know many of you quite well over email. I wouldn't even be opposed to meeting in real life some day if the circumstances present themselves. I think everyone who is still here is very trustworthy and I appreciate your candor and honesty so much. 

But for the time being, as long as this is public...I have to remember what I am doing this for. And I can tell you that the Dani before I started writing this today was a little mopey, a lot homesick and a little frustrated with her husband for being way too technical in trying to help her son with math homework.  After taking a break, getting my thoughts down, getting to goof on Bubs a bit and realize that he's as human as me, to get talk about therapy--I feel so much better and I just don't want that to go away if I feel like I'm writing for who I think I should be rather than who I really am. God that was a crazy run on sentence and I hope it made sense!