"Welcome to the neighborhood, oh and I'm sorry that your daughter had to beat the crap out of my son."
If you follow me on reddit and the blog, you may have noted that I was online literally all day yesterday. It was such a nice reset day and though it made me feel like something of an absentee mom, I don't know the last time I've been able to take a full day to myself like that. I was still interacting with the family and Bubs and I had a blast taking shots at each other online. We were both in the same room but I guess the difference was that he was working while I was on reddit pontificating on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Every once in a while I would hear him laugh, type furiously then smile at me. I would know that he had left some smart ass comment on my blog. And then I would laugh, type furiously and smile at him in response. It may not be obvious but that was foreplay for us and by the time the kids went to bed both of us were so worked up that we had one of those furious and short but oh-so-satisfying spontaneous love making sessions that are so fun. God I love that man. I also love his handprint on my a...never mind sorry Bubs don't want to embarrass you.
Because of that I slept like rock and when I looked at my phone this morning I immediately shook myself to wake because it said 8:30 and I was like holy crap, Mrs Former Teacher forgot to take her kids to school. I was frantically running around our new bedroom where I'm still getting used to the layout and Bubs walked in just as calm as he could be. I screamed at him that I needed his help because I was so late. He asked me "late for what?" I told him to stop screwing around with me and I needed to get the kids to school. Then I asked him what he was still doing at home. He told me that his preference would have been to let me run around like a chicken with my head cut off for the next 15 minutes but today is a holiday. I gave him a very dirty look and asked where the kids were. He said he had sent them out to take the dogs for a walk since he wanted more alone time with me. I'm still a little nervous about the kids being out in the neighborhood on their own but his smile and dimples got the best of me and we had round two.
We had just finished when the kids came busting through the front door and my daughter was screaming "I told you not to bring that STUPID gun!" and as soon as she had the dogs off their leashes she went and slammed her door. Bubs and I had to get up and see what was going on. Abby was livid in her room and TJ just told us matter of fact that "Abby got in a fight." So any post coital relaxation completely drained and we were like "what do you mean Abby got in a fight? With who? Why? Is she ok? Is the other kid ok?" He just gave us his 7 year old blank stare as in like "why are you asking me so many questions and where's my ipad?"
Abby had her door locked but Bubs was able to coax her out and it turns out that TJ had brought his new nerf gun on the walk and they ran into some kids their age who demanded that TJ let them shoot it. He had refused and one of the boys tried to take it from him. Abby launched into action and tackled the kid and held him down so TJ could get away with the dogs and his gun. Apparently the boy was so shocked with the ferocity of Abby's tackle that he got up swearing but didn't attempt to keep the fight going on any longer.
So needless to say this wasn't how we wanted the kids to get to the other kids in the neighborhood. We got dressed and asked the kids to walk with us to retrace their steps so maybe we could get an idea of who the parents were and go talk to them about what happened. As we were stepping out the door a dad and a son were walking up the sidewalk to our house. It's always a little nerve-wracking to be in these situations but I'm pretty good at dealing with the hurt feelings of parents so I always take the lead. Luckily, the dad was very reasonable and said that he had brought his son over to apologize to our kids. We told him that we really appreciated that and we wanted to make sure his son was ok. He kind of joked that he was shocked that his son had been taken down so easily by a girl. So we had to explain that Abby has been in Jiujitsu for years and had taken up traditional wrestling before we moved so she has some skills to back up her rage. He said that it made him feel better and his son was fine but really embarrassed. TJ, ever the negotiator (like he has a choice with Abby as his sister) invited the kid into our back yard to shoot at the nerf range he had set up. The dad said that was fine and through the conversation we were able to learn that the boy is a year older than Abby, goes to the same school as the kids, they just moved here as well and he's an aircraft mechanic for the Air Force. So he and Bubs had a lot in common even though this man was enlisted and Active Duty while Bubs is an officer in the reserves. We had a very nice talk and exchanged numbers so the kids could stay in contact. After we chatted for about 15 minutes, the dad made the kid leave with him but promised that TJ and Abby could come over anytime but probably after the intense introduction, a little space was in order. We totally agreed.
TJ is thrilled to have made a new friend. Abby will be upset for the rest of the day so she and Bubs are going to take advantage of the nice day and go hiking and burn off some of the adrenaline that she has built up. I'm going to thank my lucky stars that we ran into a reasonable parent on our kids' first fight in Arizona.
From my upcoming blog called "Life with Danielle..." (broken into two parts to fit in the comment section)
ReplyDeleteOn my wife's blog (insert link here), she mentioned that we recently moved to Tucson, AZ. It was a big move for us, as we had lived within steps of her family for the last several years, and it was Dani's dream to be surrounded by her family. She is especially close with her sisters, who she saw literally every day because they lived less than a minute's walk away. Danielle took a huge risk to support both of my careers by moving to a place where my corporate job had a lot more upward potential, and I would no longer have to jump through massive hoops to fulfill my commitment to the Air Force Reserves. I knew we would have some growing pains, but she's way stronger than she knows she is, and she's done so well since we touched down in Tucson. But she's still absolutely fucking, shit-house-rat crazy. Let's be honest: if she couldn’t swish her blonde hair around and flash those huge blue eyes, the authorities would have thrown her in an institution for all of our safety years ago.
This is life with Dani. I'm at work today, and I get a text: "Hey, I'm a little bored, and I'm having a massive craving for chimichangas." I respond, "Do you want me to pick some up on the way home?" She didn't respond right away, so I figured the answer was yes and started making plans to grab Mexican food after work. (I later found out that she didn't respond because she was on FaceTime with her little sister, watching old seasons of a reality show together.) When she finally replied, she said, "Remember that documentary we saw that said chimichangas were invented in Tucson? What was that place?"
Here was our conversation via text:
ReplyDeleteMe: I have no idea.
Dani: Can you look it up?
Me: I'm at work, you numbskull.
Dani: Ur so much better at Google than me.
Me: It’s called El Charro.
Dani: Oh, that sounds so good. Let's go to lunch there. OMG, I'm craving chimichangas SOOOO BAD!
Me: Ok, it looks like the easiest one for both of us is downtown. Can you get there?
Dani: OFC (not remembering her meltdown over getting lost last week). Lts go early!
Me: I will do my best.
So we meet, and one thing I have to give Dani is that she is positively glowing right now. She's six months pregnant, and I think she's more beautiful than ever. When I saw her get out of her car, I was kind of checking her out. She told me to stop looking at her because she’s "so fat" right now. Gee, Dan, I’m happy to see you too. From the parking lot to the host stand to our table, she must have mentioned craving chimichangas at least 20 times, probably more. She even looked at the different types they had and asked me if maybe she could get two: one for lunch and one for later. I told her, of course. I also figured that because of her enthusiasm, I had to try the chimichanga too.
The server came back to take our food order, and with an absolutely straight face, Dani said, "I'll take the seafood enchiladas." Twenty-five years of knowing this crazy broad must have shone on my face like the sun because she said, "What? I changed my mind."
I just nodded along, but I wanted to grab her and shake her and say all of the following: We are in the middle of the desert; why are you getting seafood? We came to this spot specifically to get chimichangas. For God’s sake, they invented chimichangas! In the past two hours, you've mentioned chimichangas 100 times—what in the actual hell? You know I’m a Mexican food snob, and this wouldn’t be my first choice! I kept my mouth shut.
While we were waiting for the food, we had a nice conversation about all the things she wants to do as a volunteer at the kids’ school, and she mentioned that they actually got snow back in Texas and how upset the kids would be when they found out they missed it. I played along, but in my heart of hearts, I knew what was coming.
They delivered our lunch, and Dani even said, "Oh my God, those enchiladas look amazing. I’m starving!" Adam and Eve had their deceiver in the shape of a serpent. Mine came in the shape of a 5'2" blonde girl with an ear-to-ear smile and blue eyes.
She took one bite of her enchiladas and said, "Oh, this isn’t really what I wanted. Will you switch with me?" I knew it. I knew it was coming. I knew she was going to do this. I could have predicted it when the first text came through this morning. I asked her if it was bad. She said no, it’s just not what she thought it would be. I said she could probably return it and get what she wanted since she’d only had one bite. She said no, she didn’t want to waste food. I told her that seafood didn’t sound good to me. Then she lied and said it was "really good!" I told her she should just eat it then. Then she said she made a mistake and really wanted a chimichanga. So I gave in and switched with her.
She loved it so much that she ordered a second one to take home with her. I got to eat seafood enchiladas. In Arizona. When I don’t really like Mexican food that doesn’t come from New Mexico.
That’s life with Dani.
Oh grow up you big baby. And now you have me craving seafood enchiladas.
DeleteHey, you talk a lot.
DeleteI started up my laptop for this? Be funnier.
DeleteYour mouth is so big that when you French kiss you get a little of Spain and a little of Belgium.
DeleteYah, a good joke always requires a map to understand it. And my mouth is cute, you'll need a calendar to predict the next time it touches you.
Delete"Let's be honest: if she couldn’t swish her blonde hair around and flash those huge blue eyes, the authorities would have thrown her in an institution for all of our safety years ago."
ReplyDeleteYeah, we all figured that out months ago.
hey don't agree with him! He's so mean! (I'm kidding, I think he's funny and I love the comments...I'm kinda nutty).
Delete