To my beloved--if weren't nicknamed "Bubs" by your clingy 8th grade girlfriend, you can keep scrolling.
It's a Monday-a pretty normal day in the grand scheme of things. The kids and I are off for Thanksgiving and we are trying to not drive my work from home husband crazy with us being around all day but for us that is normal. It seems that with as close as we are, we are always in each others way in some way or another.
It is not normal in that Bubs chose to use my blog to communicate some pretty big life ideas last night after I'd gone to sleep. We have been in this sort of détente all day long in that I can tell he's wondering why I haven't responded to him and I'm wondering why he hasn't just come and asked me why I haven't responded to him. He has our daughter at practice right now and this will be my response.
Last night I was utterly exhausted. We had an amazingly fun weekend with all the family. The weekend mostly revolved around all the "women folk" getting together to make last plans to how to manage our obnoxiously huge Thanksgiving dinner while the guys sat in the living room and screamed at the TV because some guy on a team that plays solely to support the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders did something good. The true highlight of the day was when my brother's girlfriend (the infamous and lovely Genevieve) told him that "I'm not getting you a goddamn beer, and you joking doesn't make it any less insulting." His 3 sisters and his mom beamed with pride at him being put in his place so directly. The point of my story is that by about 7:30 I was exhausted and I think I was in bed completely passed out by 8:15--despite making some pretty bold promises to my husband about my amorous intentions for the evening (sorry Bubs, the women run the show around here and we always will).
I woke up the following comment on my latest blog:
Hey, had a great time with you this weekend and I'm so glad I came home. I'm going to put this in writing before I chicken out and I don't know how often you actually check these comments. Your tummy looks so cute right now and I have to be honest that I don't know if I'm ready to stop having kids. I know we agree to put off the "V" talk for a while but I just don't know now. You are such a great mom and I love the kids so much that I don't know if I'm ready to shut that door yet. '
Sleep tight cutie, and yes you snore. You are snoring right now. But its cute.
First of all, I don't snore, I breathe adorably. Second of all, my reaction to this was "he's an idiot, I hope he's kidding but he's an idiot." Then I thought "ok, that was really sweet but he's still an idiot." The I thought "no, it's just sweet." Regardless of what he intended it to be, this is so far out there from anything my husband has ever said that I don't know how to respond to it.
We always knew we wanted kids, I mean we both come from close families and having kids was a pretty foregone conclusion. Our 8 year old was in no way a surprise in that we had given up birth control but at the same time not thinking anything would really happen. She was born 2016 and I literally though she was Jesus Christ in female form she was so perfect. Bubs was smitten as well but he really wanted to get a vasectomy as one kid was enough for him. I basically told him that it was his choice but it would make me sad if we didn't at least have the opportunity to have another. So he put off his vasectomy and in the mean time I got to do a spouse incentive ride when he was the co-pilot and though I was terrified, he was so sexy that I could not help myself and didn't really give him a chance to be careful and 9 months later we had number 2. We again talked about getting him a vasectomy but we were both so busy, we never made the appointments but we were exceptionally careful over the last 6 years and I didn't get pregnant again so I think we both thought we were in a pretty good routine. Well a particularly romantic date night blew that out of the water and here I am 19 weeks pregnant.
Do I want to have more kids than 3? My heart says yes, I love our kids. I love being pregnant and I love babies. I can't wait to meet this new little guy and I can't wait for middle of the night feedings where the house is so quiet and oxytocin is racing through my veins. I can't wait to see my husband carry the new little guy around and sing Chris Isaak songs to them like he did the first two (yes, the Wicked Game guy...Bubs is so weird). I can't wait to see how the older kids react to having a little brother or sister as I'm sure they will surprise me.
But here's what I lack the courage to have told my husband in person today. I will be 33 in December. So will Bubs. That means I will be 34 or 35 before it would be anywhere near responsible to try for a 4th and I just don't know if that's what I want at that age. Tack on another 2 years for pregnancy and having an infant. I want to be a fully committed stay at home mom after we move but I don't think I want that to be the rest of my life. When the new baby is ready to go to school, I want to go back to work. Being a teacher and working in schools is a huge part of my identity and I don't want to be out of it for so long it seems like starting over when I got back.
I love the kids but at the same time I don't want all of the hard work that both of us have done strictly to put them through college. I want us to take some of the money we've earned and finally be able to travel together with just the two of us, maybe even live in some of the exotic places we thought we were going to when Bubs still thought he may go into the active duty Air Force.
I'm also a crazy person and I get even more crazy when I don't sleep and as much as I love babies, the target of my frustration when I'm cooped up in the house and not sleeping has been my husband. Bubs, remember in our little apartment in Alabama when A was about 3 months old and I kicked you out because of the way you were clomping around in your boots? That's crazy that I remember off the top of my head. There were so many more times where had your manhood not been tucked away, I would have wanted to bite it off I was so frustrated with you--for not being perfect--or frustrated with you because you were being perfect but only because I asked you to be. Yes, I'm crazy.
I guess if it means a lot to you (other than a late night blog comment where you were probably still horny because I didn't deliver on the porno wife promises I'd been whispering in your ear all day) then we can have this conversation later. But let's have it over the summer or next fall when we are both sleep deprived and A is yelling at us because she's late to wrestling practice or we are having to have a conversation with the neighbor parents because T has taken advantage of the lack of supervision to make his presence known to all the neighbor girls his age (and older--remember when he invited the high school girls over to go swimming?).
I love you and I'm with you forever honey, but four kids...I'm not sure about that. In fact I'm almost sure that it's what I don't want. But we are a team and we can talk this out. I promise I wont' hide behind the blog when you get home here in a couple of minutes but I wanted to write this out as well.
Thanks for listening to me ramble everyone!
Hey Andrew! So good to see you! Sorry the title was a little inside joke directed at my sister in law who all weekend kept saying basically "this message is for my boyfriend of 7 years who needs to pop the question soon. If you aren't my boyfriend of 7 years, you can keep scrolling. She took it from tiktok and seeing it in writing, it's not that funny but when you are with your giggly sisters, sisters-in-law and hopefully future sister-in-law, it seemed like the most hilarious thing ever.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes! I would agree--if he wants me to have a cute tummy he can feed me more! I don't know if an 18+ year commitment just because he likes the baby bump is the way to go.
We did talk last night and he's ok with us not having more (or at least he said he was) and I think he was romanticizing how much fun we had over the weekend with all the family and what it would be like to have our four kids with all their spouses and kids over someday. The reality is, we can still do that with 3 kids! My parents will soon have 8 grandkids...and Brian still hasn't had any yet (though if he and Evie don't slow down a bit--sheesh). It is utter chaos when all the grandkids are together but it would be just as much fun in the future if we have 4 grandkids, or two...or even none if our kids decide babies aren't for them. It will all be great no matter what we do but we can do that with 3 kids.
Plus we are in the middle of the second trimester, this is when my butt gets plump, my boobs are bigger, my hairs is as lustrous as it ever can be and the baby bump looks cute. Plus I'm nice right now! Like we talked about yesterday, let's have this conversation at 8 months when I want to strangle my husband for doing "this" to me. Or 3 months after the baby is born when we are both covered in shit and exhausted.
And not only that, if we stop at 3 then Bub's sister is going to eventually have kids and obviously my brother will (like I said, I think a shotgun wedding might be in their future) and we can get all the baby snuggles we want and then give them back when the hard work happens!
I think we are in a good spot and agreed that we will be done after this one. Snip, snip Bubs. I'm coming for you! But think how much fun that will be!
Only having two will be one of my life's greatest regrets.
ReplyDeleteThere will always be a demand for teachers but if it will impede on retirement plans that is another thing. I partially write out of the fact that I didn't get any sons. I love my daughters very much they are my life but I would have liked having a son also.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much and you crack me up more than words can say. Yesterday and today are the exact reason why you need to be a social media star. I can type out the events that transpired but it doesn't compare to how amazing it would be on video. I'll do my best to make sense of this but yesterday you posted this very thoughtful blog post. It was insightful and funny and addressed what could be a very potentially tricky subject in a way that made me feel validated, respected and even loved. And every bit of it made sense.
ReplyDeleteTonight you are running around our house and neighborhood like a giddy middle schooler. The reason? Because you and your sisters discovered the somewhat famous cheerleader that bears more than a passing resemblance to the three of you put out a makeup tutorial on YouTube. And in classic P-girl fashion, its not that you sit down and just follow the tutorial. Nope you have to gather all the makeup that you and your sisters collectively own and make this a night long affair. I think I even heard Jess saying she was going to run to Walgreens to buy some more stuff.
I love the chaos and split personality so much Dani. I'm going to just quietly observe for the rest of the evening and I hope you see this comment soon. I can't wait to see how your face turns out, you are gorgeous without makeup but I'm so glad you are having so much fun.
Well you guys are young, and I really understand what you see inte the turmoil. One part of me envy the comotion. Your wife definately seem … alive. The other part of me, even though I work out and fell better than I have for a long time, feel very very ired just hearing half of it. But the mix of profound introspection and silly superficialty absolutely seem marvelous. … By the way. Still agree with you about those pics.
DeleteI meant to post this in the first comment put here's the video that inspired my lovely little bride and her sisters this evening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuOVLuhF1hg
ReplyDeleteThe video is about 20 minutes long but they will be doing each others makeup all night long.
And oh yeah, please write about the TJ and the high school girls. I was so proud of him. That kid is going to so much trouble.
ReplyDelete