Part 2 of my extracurricular dating life and one of my best friends; Ashley.

 I was a little nervous about posting my blog yesterday, it was insanely long and I'm always a little uneasy at how that topic will be received. My perception is that most people think that any time a mostly straight girl talks about being bisexual or lesbian, its actually an attempt at attention seeking. I think its a valid critique and probably at least partly true. I'll address this more at the end of this blog.

I'm about to introduce to you all to one of my best friends of all time, Ashley.  Ashley has been in the background of this whole Mexico/Reddit thing from day one. Ashley was who I called the day after the incident in the hotel room. Ashley offered to fly down with no notice to help me get home if I needed it. Ashely texted with me the whole time I was on the plane back home giving me moral support and coaching me with how I needed to tell my husband that I had been sexually assaulted.  Ashely was the person Bubs heard me talking to in the middle of the night after I got home which further convinced him that I had cheated on him. In those very dark days where I hadn't slept and I was starting to believe that I was an awful person and couldn't talk to my sisters or my family, Ashley was the calm voice I could call at anytime. She reminded me who I am and what I really mean to my kids and family. I know for a fact she's going to be reading this and Ash, I love you so much. 

Ashely and I met our freshman year of college in one of the non-denominational campus ministry organizations and I always really liked her but we were never in a position where we could get close. People would always tell us that we had a lot in common in that we both brought high school relationships to college and were basically engaged, we both wanted to be teachers, our boyfriends were in ROTC together, we had similar sized families and on and on.  We started to become friends maybe a year later when our boyfriends became bow hunting buddies and we got to commiserate on being expected to eat Bambi and the "joy" of having your guy show up to your girly apartment covered in blood and dirt.  It was actually Ashley's now husband who was with Bubs the night they rescued me from the pepper themed restaurant after I'd been fired. 

We got really close when I helped get her a job at Hooters. Our shifts together are honestly some of the most fun times I've ever had while working. We were very "flirty" with each other do things like give really long hugs, smack each other on the butt and give little compliments in passing like "hey, nice rack girl."  Sadly, that particular Hooters is one of the many that has been shut down, but for years there was a framed pic of me kissing her on the cheek hung up behind the cash register in the merch area. What that picture didn't show was her giving me a two handed boob grab immediately after I'd kissed her.   I would actually get a little bit depressed if we weren't scheduled together and then I started to realize that I was probably crushing on her in more of a romantic way. Even with all the flirting,  I reasoned there is no way she would be interested and there's even less of a chance that she and her boyfriend had the same sort of arrangement that Bubs and I did. So I resolved to keep her close as a friend and that would be good enough. 

We both had very busy boyfriends so she and I would hang out pretty much every day and we did pretty silly and girly stuff together. We would do each others makeup, try on a million outfits before going out, do Target runs together, drink wine while watching The Bachelor and be catty towards the girls we didn't like.  I remember one time we were getting ready to go out and she helped me adjust the shoulder straps on a new bra and after she was done she gave my boobs a little lift and complimented me on how big they were it took everything I had to not throw her on the bed and take full advantage of her.  We saw each other so much that I know classmates and other people we worked with thought we were really hooking up. 

I've had three kisses that changed my life. One was my very first kiss with a boy named Jason in the woods behind my friends house. The second was Bubs very awkward closed lip kiss on my front porch that send a literal shock of electricity through my body. The third was the first time Ashely and I kissed each other. We had both fallen asleep under the same blanket watching the Bachelor. Bubs got home and woke me up. He said I looked really cozy and I said was I was probably going to be hung over from all the wine we drank.  He came over and kissed me on the forehead from the back of the couch and asked if I wanted help getting to bed or if Ashely needed a ride home. That woke her up and she said that she was fine and if it was ok, she would just sleep on our couch. I told Bubs that I would be right behind him, I just wanted to make sure she was comfortable. As Bubs shut the bedroom door, Ashley and I locked eyes with each other and she looked like a literal angel. Our lips just connected. I don't know who initiated and I don't think she does either. It seemed like it lasted hours, in reality it was probably less than a second because she pulled back and emphatically whispered "you're boyfriend is right there!!" while pointing to the bedroom door. I wanted to explain to her that it would be ok, that he and I had been through this before and I've known I liked girls since I was about 12 and we could continue. Instead I chickened out and told her I was so sorry. She said she was sorry too and she needed to go brush her teeth. I went to our bedroom and still felt the lingering shock of connecting lips with one of the most gorgeous women I had ever seen but kicking myself for probably ruining the friendship. 

I tried to sleep in the next morning but I could hear Bubs and Ashley saying goodbye as they were both leaving. She cracked open the door and told me she'd plan on picking me up for work at 3:30. I was relieved that we were still friends but she was so "normal" in the way she talked to me that I almost convinced myself that I had imagined the whole thing. 

Bubs and I met for lunch that day and I asked him if Ashley had acted weird when he saw her that morning. Mr. Hilarious said "not any weirder than normal." I asked him if I could tell him something, he said of course and I told him I was pretty sure that Ashley had kissed me right after he got home last night. He didn't seemed surprised at all so I asked him if he was upset by this. In his ever so romantic way of speaking he said "I thought you two had been lezzing out for weeks now, was that the first time?" I told him I didn't think he was funny and I was having a really hard time with this because I liked her so much as a friend. He said he was kidding about the "lezzing out" line but it was pretty obvious that I was attracted to her. I asked if her boyfriend thought the same thing. He said he had no idea and that's not something they would talk about anyways. We had our little check in  about our boundaries and essentially had his permission if the possibility of more came to pass. 

I was on pins and needles when she came to pick me up and part of me thought that maybe she wouldn't show. She texted me that she was in the parking lot so I ran down stairs. I got in and it took about two seconds for both of to start yapping about how sorry we were and how we were both worried we'd ruined the friendship and we knew the other had a boyfriend. Again I wanted to tell her that I was crushing on her pretty bad and I'd actually really enjoyed the kiss and I have kind of strange arrangement with my boyfriend and it was ok with him. But I chickened out again and we just talked about normal stuff on the way to work. When we got to work, we went into the locker room to change and there was another girl in there but as soon as she left, I looked at Ashley in the middle of putting on her uniform and just blurted out "I really liked the kiss last night, I'm sorry if that's weird."  The look on her face really made me think that I'd said to much and she was disgusted with me. She finished changing and left the locker room and I knew for certain I'd just ruined the friendship by not being able to keep my mouth shut. I composed myself and finished changing and took up my station. 

Work was pretty normal but she got cut about 20 minutes before I did and I was certain she was going to just leave me. But she told me she'd have a drink at the bar and wait for me to finish up so that was a pretty big relief. When we got into her car I told her how sorry I was for making it weird and I would never bring it up again. She asked if I was a lesbian. I told her no, I'm not really sure what I am but I know I love my boyfriend and plan on marrying him. However there are times when I get very deep physical and emotional attraction towards certain women. She had a ton of questions on when I knew and how I knew and how Bubs dealt with it. I explained everything I talked about in the blog yesterday; that I used to sneak men's magazines and examine pictures of women's bodies in great detail. How I hated myself for it and would ferociously  pray to make the feelings stop until my priest and mom told me there was nothing wrong with me. I told her that I'd actually had a relationship with a girl two year prior and that it ended badly but I'd been attracted to other girls since but haven't met anyone else that with whom I would want to be with. She had a ton of questions and moved the conversation from her car to my kitchen table. Eventually she said that she had always felt very similar but had never followed through. She told me she started dating her boyfriend when she was a senior in high school and up until the previous night, he was the only person she'd ever been with physically in any way, including just kissing. She felt like she was missing out. I told her that was pretty similar to my situation, though I had been a pretty early bloomer with boys.  She asked if Bubs was allowed to hook up with other girls or if we were swingers, I told her absolutely not and this is a pretty one sided hall pass but we have a lot of rules in place so he's comfortable. She asked how I broached the subject with him and said it really came up naturally over the course of a couple of years.  We talked for a really long time and Bubs came in and gave me a wink as if to say "hey, got any new sexy stories for me babe?" I gave him a really dirty look which indicated I wanted him to leave us alone. Shortly after she left and said she had a lot of thinking to do but please don't be worried, she wanted our friendship to go on just as it had before. 

 I went into our bedroom to find Bubs in his full on gross pervert mode basically salivating to tell him what happened. I told him I was more than happy to regale him with every detail of the 3 hour talk she and I just had and he knows how much I segway when I try to tell a story. Basically: "Strap in, dumbass. I can talk all night, and while I'm at it, it's probably a good time to bring up how Mrs. Fichner gave me an F on my volcano project in the 6th grade and how that leaves me feeling vulnerable about my grades even to this day , and also my parents have J names and every kid in the family has J name except me and that leaves me feeling like a forgotten middle child. Oh and I'm still a little mad, well a lot mad  actually, about Susy Denkins saying she dated you in 10th grade, why do you think she said that? Care to comment? Just so you know, I'll be examining your every word, every tone change and every facial tic to make sure you aren't contradicting yourself from the last time we talked about Susy. Why would you change your story? do you have a guilty conscience? Is there something you'd like to finally tell me? Don't you dare go to sleep on me, am I boring you!?" He chose sleep. 

I'm pretty sure that was mid week because I know she and I went out after work that Friday to dance with some other people in our friend group. After some drinks, we were both really tipsy and dancing with each other when she whispered in my hear that she had talked it over with her boyfriend and she thought I looked really good. I told her she looked amazing too. She asked if Bubs would be home and I said he studying and will be late but I didn't know how late. She said her boyfriend was at their house too and we couldn't go there. We came up with drunken plans to go on a "date" the following day when we she knew her boyfriend would be gone for the rest of the weekend. The next few hours dancing was probably some of the most intense foreplay I've ever had. 

We met for lunch and all of the sexual energy and anticipation from the night prior was put on the back burner. We had such a nice "date" and just like it always the conversation was light and easy and fun. When it was time to go to her place, she confessed how nervous she was and I told her that I was too and she could back out any time and I wouldn't think any less of her. When we got there, I was blown away at how much preparation she had done. Guys, take note; her house was spotless from top to bottom and everything was in it's place. The bedding was fresh and clean with little hints of perfume sprayed on the pillow cases. She had gotten me a brand new toothbrush and had scented candles in the bathroom which was stocked with brand new bottles of shower essentials. There were even freshly folded towels on the counter. As I looked around in awe at how hard she worked to make it special, she went around and lit candles and put on soft music. For an otherwise dingy student apartment, it looked like heaven. I've had sex with three people in my life, while losing my virginity next to the river on an air mattress in the back of Bubs truck was fun, the first time with Ashley was like an ethereal dream where all her effort make it perfect. 

Like I mentioned in the previous blog where I talk about my time with Shelby, when I talk about my relationship with Ashley I get asked the same general questions. Was Bubs ok with it, did he have the same privileges and was he involved? How did I carry on both relationships and how did it end. 

For Bubs part it was pretty much the same as before, as long as he knew what was going on he was fine with it. This time I made it very clear that there was never the option of boys joining us, it just wasn't going to happen. The major difference this time was how Ashley's boyfriend dealt with it. Of course I don't know what they said behind closed doors but outwardly his take was he was ok with it happening but he didn't want to hear or know anything about it.  There were many occasions where he and Bubs  would be at like a softball game and Ashley and I would ostensibly stay at home to make dinner but would take many breaks to get busy at any number of locations across the house. They would come home to eat and the four of us would sit there having normal dinner conversation and Ashley's boyfriend would act as if nothing at happened. Meanwhile I could see Bubs Terminator computer brain scanning the room so he could match the locales to the stories I would inevitably tell him about what act had happened and on what piece of furniture. 

For the last year and half of college, Ashely were nearly inseparable. A lot of the time we would just act as friends and nothing would happen at all, then at other time the mood would hit just right and we'd spend a day in bed. We'd go between laughing and normal girl talk to having some of the most intimate times of my life. I think we had the most fun  just cuddling and talking about our potential future together. Bubs still thought he was going in the active duty Air Force, so she and I would day dream about what it would be like to get stationed at all the same exotic locations across the world. We'd loosely plan to get pregnant at the same time so we could live in one huge house together and raise our kids as siblings. It was a very sweet friendship where we complemented each other in just about every way--with some pretty romantic times thrown in for good measure.  

Ashely and I never really ended things. Like I said at the start of this, she is still one of my best friends in the entire world. Our plans to be the Air Force version of Eskimo Sisters fell apart when Bubs found out that he would have a much better chance of getting a pilot slot in the reserves while Ashley's boyfriend got a position as a combat systems officer in the Active Duty. So as our senior year came to a close we realized that goodbyes were in our future and I think that damped some of the more intimate desires. We both cried our eyes out as we said goodbye after graduation week and 10 years later, I still miss her just as much. She's moved all over the country and we've seen each other 3 times in the past 10 years but we still talk at least once a week. The intimate side of our relationship is long in the past which is totally fine, we both had to grow up but I will always miss it look back on those time with great fondness. She and I joke all the time that if we ever get divorced or, God forbid, lose our husbands we want to marry each other and grow old together as mean lesbians driving our rescue dogs around in our Subarus. I don't know if I'm actually joking, I would marry her long before I would another man. 

So not to dampen the mood, but I sort of knew when I put my email address up that I would get some pretty nasty comments, what would the internet be without them. My blog is getting a paltry ~75-100 views per post so it's still kind of amazing that someone would take the time, but it is what it is. 

The email I got from the blog yesterday was from someone who I think found me randomly and was not from reddit or the YouTube videos. This person said "you're just bragging about being a carpet muncher to drive traffic to your Onlyfans." Very nice indeed.

I guess first of all, I should say I don't have an Onlyfans. While I think that's just become a generic insult that women face online these days, I guess I should say I will never have an Onlyfans (though, there is a woman in my community who makes about $1000 extra a week just showing pictures of her feet--holy crap is that tempting, but the custom tattoos on my big toes means I will forever miss out on that cash).

But I can actually see how someone may think these last two blog posts are bragging. If I came across the last two posts randomly, there's a good chance I might these blogs as a pick-me girl posting just enough information about two girls hooking up to get clicks and views. I suppose if I can see that, then other people will too. 

So if by chance that person shows up again here's why I wrote the last two posts: 

1. I went through a pretty traumatic experience this summer where I was sexually assaulted by a man twice my age in a hotel room in Mexico. It was not nearly as bad as it could have been and I'm very lucky. But that event led to me almost getting divorced and it played out very publicly on reddit and YouTube where I faced a ton of criticism (some valid) for the choices I made. One of the consistent finger wags been that I have a "slut switch" and I couldn't help but launch myself on the first man that showed interest. I'm hoping these last two posts illustrate that when I am with someone in an intimate way, I never do it "just because." There's planning and negotiation and lots of second guessing myself and only arriving at the decision to hook up after all of that has played out. My "body count" is 3. I don't do anything intimate with someone new "just because"

2. I really like these stories and I enjoy reliving the moments as they appear on the screen. I wrote today's specifically because I know the other person involved will really enjoy reading this. She's been a dear friend for more than a decade now and was literally the only person I felt like I could talk to live as my life was falling apart this summer. I also know my husband will laugh at these memories. I love leaving him little love notes that maybe only he will understand (see the italics today as an example). 

3. I guess as long as I'm making this somewhat public, these questions and comments are going to come up but I have had to do some of my deepest because of  the questions people have asked, even the ones that were not so nice--like yours. I write these blog posts because they help me deal with the events of the past 3 months and doing them publicly draws the comments and critiques that will help my family get through this. I have to be honest, your comment has me thinking about how much skin I'd have to show on Onlyfans to afford a beach house in Imperial Beach. I'm kidding...but $1000 a week for feet pics!!! I thought my husband was a perv.