Life update and answering a question about Bubs and his lack of jealousy.

From the timing of these blog posts, it's going to look like I don't actually have a job. Well, to put it mildly, this has been the most chaotic school year of my career and I am taking whatever time I can. When the school year started we had 3 vacant teaching spots but no applicants. However, had a few applicants for my job as assistant principal. My boss proposed that since we knew we could fill the AP position, it would really help her if I moved back to teaching and we would combine a 2nd and 3rd grade classroom. On paper at least that would leave us with only one vacant teaching job. My boss is one of my dearest friends and a mentor who has always gone to bat for me. I could not turn her down. Part of the agreement was that I would devote whatever time I could to helping my replacement get trained up. 

Well, anytime you deal with 7, 8 and 9 year old kids, there is so much potential for well laid plans to go up in flames. That's pretty much what happened from the first week. The combined grades was the hardest classroom I've ever been in and even with a para-pro and good parent volunteers, I could never get my hands around the management side. Everyone said they knew I was doing the best that I could, which was nice but every night I would come home and feel like a failure. In light of everything that's gone on, that wasn't where I needed my mental space to be.  Because I was so busy in the classroom, my replacement in the assistant principal position was really floundering because we just didn't have the time for me to train him on student data, TEA compliance, etc... that was causing my boss to have to work long hours and she was miserable too. 

The one bright spot in all of this is that I have an amazing substitute named Connie. She is a teaching legend in our district and retired about 5 years ago but was always happy to fill in when she was needed. She's the one who has been in my class on all the days I've had appointments and when we went out of town last week. She is much more strict than I am but it turns out that's exactly what that group of kids needed. 

When we were in Arizona last week, my boss called me and wanted to brainstorm ways to fix our current problem because she was exhausted. I said the classroom fix is easy, ask Connie if she's willing to return full time. She's working 20 hours a week as it is and when subs get to that many hours, they are basically making 1/2 to 2/3ds of what they would make as a contract teacher. With that, my principal's thought was I could then become a sort of "administrator at large"  to help clear up her backlog. She scheduled a meeting with our district's deputy superintendent  to get his approval. That meeting wrapped up about 30 minutes ago. 

We pretty much got everything we asked for which is amazing, but I also think it shows how desperate districts and schools are to keep people because five years ago, the superintendent wouldn't have even taken the meeting. Like I said we almost go everything we asked for, the big difference is that starting Monday, I'm moving to part time. The superintendent said he didn't have the budget for 3 full time admins in a school that really only calls for two. My principal really wanted to fight him on this saying that she needed me full time, but as she was arguing in my head I was thinking "let's hear the man out, he might have some good points!" Part time work with everything I have going on? Chef's kiss baby. So the plan is I will work mornings until my last day which will probably be December 13th. I'm going to focus on training my replacement and getting as much of the compliance and student data back log cleared up as I can.  I have so many sick days that I wont be able to use or sell back, I'm going to take the rest of the day today and tomorrow off because I have a feeling that on Monday I'm going to get hit with a firehose of work.  It's crazy that this part of my life is winding down with an end date in sight. 

I'm pretty sure when we get to Arizona, I'm going not going to work for a while, rather focus on being totally present for the two kids as they go through their first ever really big life change. By the time they are settled in, we'll have a third little guy and I want to take at least a year before I even consider working again. Because of the trip last week, I able to meet some very nice people who gave me a lot of good advice about what I can expect being a teacher in Tucson. The good news is that it sounds like no matter when I decide to go back, I will always be able to find somewhere to work. 

As a very abrupt transition, I'm kind of getting the idea that there is still a reddit group out there that is still talking about our story, or at least it still comes up from time to time. I got a very polite email but they said they were from "the Reddit group" but didn't specify which one. I'm not bothered by it all, but I would rather people just ask me questions instead of speculating in another group. I'm pretty much an open book and I'm happy to answer anything. 

Their email said:  "Hi, I'm from the Reddit group and first saw your story on YouTube. We're a bit confused about something you said yesterday. You mentioned that you wished your husband would get jealous from time to time, but it seems to me that this whole incident was caused by him being extremely jealous and not trusting you. It just seems very inconsistent. Can you talk about this?" 

For sure, that's a very fair question. I think the first thing I'd like to say is that I think sometimes people get the idea that this is a narrative story with a beginning and and end instead of remembering that we are real people. Real people are inconsistent; we say things we don't mean for a myriad or reasons, we struggle with our motivations and we make mistakes. Bubs and I are no different. 

Secondly, since I've known him for so long, I don't think jealousy was a big driver to his reaction to what he thought happened in Mexico. He thought he had rock solid proof that I had cheated based on the evidence that was presented to him. I think a jealous husband would have not wanted me to go on the trip in the first place and if I did would have tracked my location and demanded constant check ins about who I was with and what I was doing. If I'm being totally honest, I wouldn't have minded that much if he'd wanted me to check in with him and track my location. I am a jealous person and every time he's been gone (which is a lot) I insist on knowing his location and that we talk at least once a day. 

As always I think a story from our past can be a pretty good illustration of what I meant. A while ago I was a Bible Study facilitator at our a church. In the Tuesday night group there was a guy I've literally known my entire life, call him Jerry. He grew up in the same area as me, his family went to the same church, I'd done gymnastics with his younger sister, etc... We were never close because he's almost 15 years older than I am. I think women face this all time in that he just made me uncomfortable. But it was never something where I could say "you're doing this, stop it." It would be things him looking me up and down and lingering just a little too long on the womanly bits. But I knew if I called him on it, he would say I had a nice style that day. Or holding a handshake too long or insisting on a hug when it wasn't really time for one and then pressing just a little too hard--but not so much as I would say anything about it.  It wasn't even worth bringing up to my husband because I always had work arounds. 

We had a plan for a group of us to go to another church in a town about 15 minutes away so we were going to car pool. Jerry asked me to ride with him. I told him I had to make another stop in that town so I was just going to drive myself. I will never ever forget him saying "We always have such a nice time together Danielle, maybe if we're lucky we'll get lost on the way back." I instantly saw red and told him "Jerry, if you want to continue this conversation we are going to do it in front of my husband and your wife." Just like I knew he would, he said "It's a joke, I'm sorry, it's just a little thing, trying to lighten the mood, that's all." I told him that obviously I wasn't riding with him and I would see him at the church. He sat far away from me at that little event, thank god. 

There is a real part of me that hopes when I tell my husband something like that, he's going to do a full on WWE run-in and beat the shit out of the guy. I mean not really, well maybe I would have loved to see Bubs punch Jerry in the mouth. When I got home I was still mad and I told Bubs what Jerry said. More or less our conversation:

Bubs (laughing):  That old creep! I knew it! That's fucking hilarious!

Me (dead serious):  I don't think its funny at all. 

Bubs: Are you kidding me, its one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. We all knew he was like that. 

Me: You're not even a little bit jealous? What if I would have driven with him. 

Bubs: Dani, you would have killed Jerry if he would have tried anything.  

Me: I guess it would be nice if you showed it bothered you a little bit.  

Bubs: I mean it bothers me because he said inappropriate things to you but you handled it.

Me: I guess you're right. 

Bubs was right, he can't go knocking out other members of the church and I did handle it. But it still left me feeling just a little empty I guess. Like a little anger and jealousy on my husband's part would have made me feel a little more cared for and protected.  

To the person who emailed--I hope that answers your question and it's not as inconsistent as it may have originally seemed.  

For you long time readers, and since I'm not above good old fashioned Church gossip, you may remember me talking about two swinger couples who had met in our church. One of those couples was Jerry and his wife. Clearly Jerry's comments and actions weren't so innocent and he really was trying to see who would give him a positive reaction to his covert advances.  What still cracks me up is how full our church was those first few weeks after the scandal started getting whispered about. We Episcopalians love to see ourselves as being just a little bit more educated, a little more couth and a little bit more refined than our other Southern protestant brothers and sisters. In reality we can all find better things to do on a Sunday morning unless there's a chance we can get the latest gossip on somebody else boinking Jerry's long suffering wife. 

It was actually crazy because I had seen Jerry and his family at least every Sunday for most of my life and one day they were just gone and I've never seen him again. I just googled it and his now ex-wife has a very a successful real estate business in the Northern part of the state and I have no idea what happened to Jerry. The other couple left too but they have essentially fallen completely off the radar. For a long time I felt really bad for her because I figured there was no way that she initiated the whole thing but as we've gotten to know more, it sounds like her husband was going along with it because it's what she wanted. 

I know based on my life experience and agreements that I've had in the past with my husband, I shouldn't judge people's bedroom tastes...but Jerry? Blech!!