Another blog by request: being bisexual and one of the two other people I dated in college

 Thank you all for the very polite emails and questions. I think I'm caught up responding to everyone but as always if you would like to email me or have questions or something you would like to ask me my email address is danniynnad@gmail.com The person who asked today's question is someone who was there from the very early reddit days and one of the things they asked is to talk quickly about how me being bisexual played into what happened in Mexico. I think its a very fair question, especially since I'm the one who brought it up.

Like everything else, there's a short answer and a long answer. Short answer first. It's been several years but I've hooked up with people outside of our relationship, twice. Both were women, but because I was in a very committed relationship I had rules to make my boyfriend/husband comfortable with what was happening when he wasn't around. I've followed those rules to a T with people I genuinely been attracted to. In my mind, it makes zero sense that I would all of the sudden forget the rules to be with someone who I wasn't attracted to.

The longer answer is also way more complicated. It's also a topic I want to be delicate with. As always, I want to be honest but I don't want to make this pornographic or even titillating. For some reason the threesome fantasy is high on men's bucket list--and I know that because I'm married to a man who thought he hit the jackpot when I slowly revealed to him that I am probably bisexual. Sorry for not having delivered all these years later Bubs, good thing you are hopelessly and madly in love with me. 

I was always attracted to boys, I went through a very boy crazy phase starting in about 4th grade when one of my friends had a make out party in the woods behind her house and by the time I met the last guy I'll ever kiss  in 7th grade (looking at you honey), I'd probably kissed 15 or 20 different boys. This was all very normal, all my friends were the same way, my older sister had a sterling reputation from kissing high school guys and my younger sister used to ask us both insane questions and insist that she was ready.  I didn't think anything was wrong with me until we took a trip to see my cousins in Oklahoma and I stayed in my older cousins room where he had stacks of Maxim magazine. In the days of google, I can look up the exact picture that made me think my brain was broken and caused me to quietly and very privately try to "pray the gay away." It's the Dec 2003 issue of Maxim with Shannon Elizabeth. I was stunned at how completely different she looked than I did, but was so beautiful. I was transfixed by the undone buttons on her top exposing her bra, the shape of her legs and how they were posed. Her smile turned me so much I could hardly contain myself. I actually stole the magazine (which in itself caused me enormous guilt) and literally wore out the pages I looked at it so much. I was desperate to get on our family computer and look up more but was terrified I'd be caught so I would lie to my parents and say I walking to the the gas station for candy but would really buy every Maxim style magazine I could. I always lied and told the cashier I lost a bet with my older brother but looking back, I don't know if they cared that a 13 year old girl was buying men's magazines. When I would get home I would examine every page and even circle girls that I really liked and write notes as to what I thought was attractive about them. 

I shared a room with my older sister at the time and she found my magazines and told my mom. My mom took me to talk to our Priest. Thank god he was way ahead of his time and he told me that it's very normal, God loves every part of me and there's a difference between feelings and acting on them. He wanted to make sure that whoever I was attracted to, I deserved to be treated with respect. He was more concerned about me lying about going to the gas station and stealing from my cousin and insisted I make restitution, but to do it in a way that didn't embarrass either of us. My mom and I also had long talks about it, thank god she was smart enough to not shame me or make me feel guilty. Her big concern was how my dad would react and my making sure my sisters didn't make fun of me. Luckily, shortly after all this happened I met a very handsome guy who helped me with math homework causing me to fall madly in love with him which pushed any questions about attraction to other people, boys or girls, deep in the back of my brain. 

I actually don't remember how the topic came up between Bubs and I, but I know we were sexually active. I'm kind of thinking we were watching a movie where girls kissed but I don't know which one. I'm pretty sure he asked me if I would ever do that and I told him I would  and had always been very curious about it. I don't remember if it was that night or over an extended period of discussion but he told me that the idea of me being with another girl really turned him on. I made it clear that we weren't talking about threesomes because I couldn't handle seeing him with another girl. He said he knew, but to this day I think he was lying and still loves the idea of four boobs being in the bed with him instead of just two. That opened a massive can of worms because he loves to hear me talk about other women as pillow talk, which I'm happy to oblige,  I enjoy it too. But in the long run that can of worms meant that we had years to go through scenarios about what would be ok, what wouldn't, how he would want to know, what to do if I caught feelings, etc. We were inadvertently setting up ground rules in a very playful and fun way that got all our feelings out on the table. To add to that, living in fairly conservative central Texas, I don't think either of us thought it would ever really happen.

That changed at college when one of the fraternities had a "Christmas on the Beach" themed party. There were about 10 girls from my dorm who all walked over together. That may have been the most fun party I've ever been to. They'd hired a DJ, had a light show, they'd created a literal sand beach in their main hall area complete with palm trees and kiddie pools full of water. Pretty much everyone was in swimsuits with dancing, drinking and (no doubt) lots of other stuff in the back rooms I never went into. Our group started dancing together and that slowly dwindled to just me and this very, very pretty brunette from Colorado named Shelby. At first it was pretty standard dance club gyrations but we just kept getting closer and closer and getting more handsy with each other and finally she whispered in my ear that she was bi, and said she was pretty sure I was too. She bluntly asked if I wanted to go back to her room with her. I told her I had a boyfriend. She said "I know, he's cute." That sent a little tinge of jealousy through me but she kissed me on the cheek and I was on fire. I told her "I'll go call him, and make sure its ok."  She said "I know it will be" and her confidence was incredibly sexy. 

Bubs was studying (of course) so he answered right away, so this is basically how the conversation went:

"Hey you know that thing we've always talked about?"

"Not off the top of my head?"

"You know, me and...you know. Don't make me say it." 

"Dani, I'm glad you're having fun, I can hear the music but I'm fucking busy." 

"You know that girl Shelby from my dorm?" 

"I guess so, I don't know maybe." 

"She just kissed me. Is that ok?" 

"Like with tongue?" 

"Not yet, but she wants me to go back to her room with her."

"Are you going?"

"I'm asking you, just like we always talked about." 

"Am I invited?" 

"no, of course not" 

"Can I watch?"

"NO"

"Will you tell me about it? And it's just you and her right?" 

"I guess so, if its ok with her, and yes no one else." 

"Are you sure I'm not invited?"

"God you are such a dumbass, NO, we talked about that."

"Ok,  I can't believe this is really happening but I'm cool, please call me when you can."

"I love you so much, I'm really nervous." 

"Love you too, its cute when you're nervous." 

I still wasn't quite sure if I was ready but we had a few more drinks and I could feel my inhabitations drain out of me as the dancing got much more touchy-feely. I told her I was ready to go and we quietly excused ourselves and walked back to the dorms.  It was so much more intimidating than he first time I'd had sex. I thought because I had the all the parts, I would know what to do with her parts but that turned out to not be true. She had experience and she was very patient with me and I really enjoyed it. We fell asleep in her bed and I woke up at about 5am to see about 20 missed calls and even more gross texts from my stupid, pervert  boyfriend. She woke up and said that he was welcome to join us and I told her that I wasn't conformable with that and she said that's cool but she would like to see me again. I told her I really enjoyed it and as long as it was ok with Bubs I would like to see her again too. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't so I walked to Bub's dorm and made sure he was ok and we ended up finding a quiet spot in the lounge where I pretty much told him everything as his eyes bulged out of his head with excitement. 

When I talk about Shelby, I always say we "dated." But I don't know if that term is entirely accurate because it wasn't dating in the traditional sense. Having said that, "dating" her was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I got to experience with so many of the things I would have otherwise missed out on because I got together with my future husband when I was so young.  Shelby had very dominant and jealous personality which I've never had to navigate with Bubs. She was very fun but also very irrational and often made really bad choices that had the potential to hurt both of us. She was never jealous over Bubs, she knew he came as part of the package deal as my future forever person. But she would get insanely jealous over other girls I would meet or try to become friends with. One of the biggest fights she and I ever had was when Bub's little sister came to visit us and stayed in my dorm--she would get that unhinged about the possibility of losing me to another girl. 

When I talk about this in real life, the same questions always get asked; your boyfriend approved of this and did he get the same privilege? How did you split the time between two separate relationships? Was Bubs ever involved and how did it end?

The first question is the one that confuses the most people, and I think that's very fair. I can't fully speak for Bubs here but I think he went along with it for a few reasons. First of all, we were 19 at the time and only 4 years removed from his little dalliance with the other gymnast. I think he carried a lot of guilt (well I know he still does) and I believe that we had found a way for me to "even the score" in a way that was acceptable to him and alleviate some of his guilt.  Secondly, Bubs has seldom ever gotten jealous so I don't think he saw Shelby as any sort of threat (as a total aside, there have been times where I wish he would get just a little jealous). Third, even though he was never present (save for one time I'll talk about below), I think the way the I talked to him about it made him feel like he was always included. It wasn't something I was hiding from him, maybe even something I was doing partly for his enjoyment. And lastly, I think the fact that it was a girl not a guy played a huge part, maybe that's sexist but it worked for us. And did he get the same privilege? Frankly no. I would lose my fucking mind if he ever hooked up with another girl. Double standard, yes, but honest and true? Yes, absolutely. 

To answer the second question, Bubs took his insane work ethic to college with him as he reasoned for him to make it through his freshman  year in electrical engineering, he had to study. His goal was to spend 60 hours a week in class and studying. Which meant aside from meals, we really only saw each other on Saturday nights and Sundays. Both of our roommates were very strict Christians and said they weren't comfortable with people of the opposite sex sleeping in the room with them (and I honestly wasn't comfortable sleeping in a room with 3 people) so our sex life was kind of doing it whenever we could find the time and almost never spending the night together. Shelby had a single room and it was very easy to find time to be with her, in fact I loved the physical act of just going to sleep with her because we both could sleep all twisted up (I think I even sleep better when I'm snuggled up to someone, unfortunately I married the man who always whines "uhhhhh you're like a furnace!!!" and pushes me away). So basically I had one relationship with a man I was genuinely in love with but who I rarely saw.  I had another relationship with a girl I really liked who I saw all the time. There was a pretty natural balance. 

So did Bubs ever get the chance to make his little perv dreams come true? Almost. I had been seeing Shelby for about about six weeks and she really hyped me up on how much fun a threesome could be. She had started seeing a guy who would be totally into it, I told her that was never going to happen because I'm not attracted to guys other than my own. She asked if Bubs would be into it. I was kind of torn between wanting the experience (and knowing Bubs would love it) on one hand, and knowing our relationship would be forever changed on the other.  I talked to him about it and I could tell he was about to come out of his seat he was so excited but played it very cool. He knew that if he acted too excited, there was no way I was going to go through with it. So the time came and we snuck him into Shelby's room, had some drinks and laughs and then she and I started hooking up. Despite it being every man's fantasy and what porn would tell you, threesomes are awkward and weird and I was really forcing myself to get into it. It wasn't awful but I wanted to bail out when she touched his leg. I thought maybe if  I touched his leg too it would get better. It didn't. She took off my shirt which was fine, both of them had seen my boobs. However, when she took of her shirt and bra I told them I was done. I don't mind Bubs looking at other girls' bodies but I knew that with her personality, she was going to say that him seeing her (and doing whatever else she had planned for him) was justification that I needed to do the same with her guy, even though I'd already told her no. She was pissed, Bubs handled it very maturely and said that if I wasn't comfortable, then he wasn't comfortable. We tried to watch a movie but the awkwardness was palpable and after a short time, Bubs and I each returned to our separate rooms which I think really hurt her feelings. 

That was pretty much the start of the end of the relationship. She started to really push having multiple partners in the same day which really grossed me out. I was pretty clear that I enjoyed being with her and I was ok if she dated one other guy, but I wasn't willing to hook up with her on days they had been together. And I was very clear that her having sex with multiple guy partners was an absolute deal breaker. I finally broke up with her when she tried to trick me into having sex with her right after she had been with at least one other guy-- the evidence was undeniable. I was so disgusted that I just flat out told her I couldn't be with her anymore. So with that, I learned how hard girls can be to break up with because there was drama that lasted weeks. I had stuff in her room she wouldn't return, she would beg me to get back together with her at weird times and in weird places on campus and she even called Bubs to ask if he could talk to me for her. That went on for a couple of weeks until she started hooking up with another girl and acted as if that was supposed to make me jealous. She actually sent me pics of her doing all sorts of crazy stuff on Spring Break and I was concerned that she was so stoned and out of it with such random people, that she was going to be a victim of human trafficking. We have friends in common who say that she actually filmed a porn for a "spring breakers gone wild" sort of site. I've never wanted to look for it, but I wouldn't be surprised at all. 

We saw little of each other after Spring Break but I heard that was basically failing every class and was thinking about leaving before the semester was over. I tried to go talk to her to see if there was anything I could do but she never answered her door or responded to my texts so I do think she just packed up and left at some point. I didn't hear anything out of her until maybe 4 years ago I got a Facebook friend request from her. I accepted and looked through her profile and it seems she's married to another woman and fairly happy doing a pretty normal job in sales somewhere. I sent her a message to ask how she was doing but she never responded. I’ve put my Facebook is in suspended status (and it's actually such a relief) so I don't know if I will ever hear anything about her but I can say that overall it was a good experience. 

I had initially planned on talking about both the girls in dated in college but this one has already gone on long enough! I'll cover that one in a part 2! She may actually being reading this--if so don't worry, Ash, I didn't forget you!