What it's like being married to a big stupid jerk face (as an overly emotional basket case).
I think one of the things I miss most about reddit was how easy it was to jump on and vent about my day to day events. I'm getting used to blogger but it seems like it's more of an "event" to get on and actually type something out.
I'm going to try it today because both Bubs and I are in "time out" after we had one of the stupidest fights that we've had since "the event." Those of you who've been around us for a while hopefully will see this for what it was, those of you who are new may see one or both of us as incredibly immature people who need intense therapy. Good thing is, we are getting intense therapy but its a journey. One thing the therapy has done for us is to learn how to come back to "normal." Our fights used to go on for days at a time, he would want to clam up and not talk at all while I would insist we rehash every detail until we came to some sort of understanding. Our therapist has encouraged us to find some middle ground on this. He gets to have his break (but it has to have a time limit) after which I get to have my discussion (which also has a time limit) and then we have to listen to each other whether or not a further break or further discussion is warranted. Right now we are in our first break.
Last night the kids had sleepovers at friends houses so Bubs made us his amazing New Mexico red chile enchiladas and we laid on the couch and caught the latest House of the Dragon episodes. It was a really nice evening after a very chaotic week for both of us. Since we wouldn't have kids in the house in the morning, we talked about sleeping in and kind of having a relaxing morning, maybe having some more "adult" time but for sure taking advantage of the time to relax. I fell asleep looking really forward to it.
I woke up at about 7 to no husband in the bed with me, bummer for me, absolute bummer for him because I was feeling particularly amorous. I called out to him and no answer. I figured maybe he was outside with the dogs but when I looked out or bedroom door he was nowhere to be found. His truck was in the driveway and I knew right away that he had gone on a run. I checked his location and sure enough he was out on his normal route. I guess at that point I could have called him but I figured he would be gone for another hour or so and I was up, I might as well take advantage of the cool morning and get some stuff done outside. In the ensuing argument he thinks the choice not to call him was being passive aggressive because had I called him, he says he would have come right home.
I got out the shop-vac and started vacuuming up some leaves and dirt that had accumulated on the pool deck. With the noise of the vacuum I didn't hear him come up behind me and he sort of put his hands on my waist which was nice but then he tossed a handful of leaves in he pile I was vacuuming. I turned off the vacuum and said I was glad he was back. He asked me what I was doing up since he thought we were staying in bed this morning. I told him I thought the same thing. He said that I knew he was going to go for a run and his hope was to be back before I woke up.
In total fairness, these are the moments where I know I have a choice how to proceed. I could have told him that I woke up early and saw that he was gone but I'm really happy he's home now and we should get cleaned up and go back to bed. Instead I said very sarcastically "well if you get to your thing in the morning, I don't see why I can't do my thing." And that pretty much sealed that we would be spending the day in an argument. He said that since he was up, he was more than happy to help me get the yard cleaned up. I told him that I was fine by myself (which wasn't true, I did really want his company no matter what we were doing). He sort of ignored me and kept picking up little piles of leaves that had sort of got caught in the bushes but he kept dumping them in the way of where I was vacuuming.
This really annoyed me and I turned off the vacuum and asked him why he was making my job harder. He said that he didn't have a trash can out there and thought I could just vacuum the leaves up since I was already vacuuming. I told him that I didn't want his help anyways and that now he was really irritating me. He asked me if I was really upset and I said my classic answer: "no, I'm fine." He said that he's not stupid, he could tell I'm not "fine." At that point we were both using words that we knew would escalate--and within minutes we were shouting back and forth in the back yard. I could hear my mom and dad in their back yard and thank god he agreed that we needed to continue whatever we were doing inside.
Basically we spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. I think if we agreed that we were spending a quiet morning in bed together, that was our plan and he should have stuck to it. His point was that he woke up at 5:00 and wanted to let me sleep in and he had an 18 mile run he wanted to do so he figured he would just get up and hope he would be back and in bed by the time I was awake. Imagine saying those exact things over and over again in different words and that's how we spent our morning.
Finally he reminded me that one of our agreements from therapy was that he could call for a break when he needed it. I was like no fucking way--we had to solve this now. Thank god that he calmed down enough for me to calm down and say that no, we made a commitment to each other to respect each other's disagreement style and his style is that he needs a break when it gets to intense. I asked him how long he needed and he that by 2 he would be ready to talk (it's about 3:30 now and I'm not sure if he's supposed to come to me or I'm supposed to go to him--we are still learning).
The things I keep telling myself is what our marriage counselor has reminded me. I am happy to enjoy the benefits of a hard working, very active, very handsome guy in his early 30s who is in amazing shape. I also have to be willing to accept that fact that hard working guys can't be emotionally available at the drop of a hat and guys who are in great shape have to spend time doing things that keep them in great shape. I have to accept both parts if I'm to enjoy the benefits. I can view him getting up and leaving me this morning after we had an agreement in two ways. The first is that he did get up and leave the bed when we made it clear that we were going to spend the morning with each other. The second is that he got up and left the bed while I was still asleep but because he had a plan to come back, I really didn't miss out on anything.
Well as always, writing this out really helped me makes sense of the fact that we are both probably a little wrong here and this doesn't need to define the rest of our weekend. When we talk, I will apologize for my part in this and tell him how much I appreciate that he's so active but at the same time I would have also been very ok with him waking me up this morning to spend the time together. We'll see how that goes...
Thank you for reading everyone.
I'm going to refrain from saying too much here because while I have some thoughts on this, I am not sure how deeply you want to get into these discussions on a blog. If you have access to your old Reddit DMs you have my email/contact info, as well as (most likely) the emails/contact info of most of us who are here.
ReplyDeleteBut please do hang on to your current therapist, even if it means virtual sessions that are out-of-network and out-of-pocket, because she is giving you really good tools for learning how to de-escalate and disagree in a healthy way, although it takes a LONG time to break the default to maladaptive communication patterns and settle into new, constructive ones. I hope that by the time you read this you and Kiddo will have had a constructive conversation about your earlier argument; if not, it's 2 1/2 hours past his stated cooling off time, so go find him and talk. You need to remember not to snip when you're angry and he needs to remember that time with you, especially scheduled time with you, is a higher priority than any run, even if he plans to get back for the scheduled together time. That's my Mama Wolf advice for today.
Dani: I was Bubs this morning. My wife and I planned to sleep in and enjoy an amorous morning. My wife was sound asleep when I arose, and I decided to go on my workout auto-pilot. My wife got up in the middle of my workout and confronted me by saying that we were supposed to have sex. What happened? I told her that she was sleeping, and I thought that I would get my morning workout done before she got up. My wife was clearly pissed and has been giving me the cold shoulder all day. Fortunately, I know my wife and when the time is right, I will offer her an apology. Unfortunately, we have a busy day planned to include going to a local brewery where a friend of ours is performing. I have not gotten the chance to apologize and she continues to give me the cold shoulder. Things will be fine as I will me culpa myself and she will offer that I missed out on some good sex. There will no big argument but an agreement to have Sunday morning sex and I will offer to take her out for breakfast.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is that while you were both wrong you did overreact and could have stopped when he put his arms around you and led him inside, but you did not and chose to escalate instead of accepting his apology. The good thing is that you have started to use some of the strategies your therapist outlined for you. In addition, your post shows that the cooling off or break period that Bubs called for has the beneficial effect of having you journal and see what you did wrong.
My recommendation is that when you speak to Bubs, apologize for overreacting. Try to do something that will put you both in a better mood like a long walk or swim in the pool together. Remember that there is always Sunday morning to be amorous. Now I have to go upstairs and face my wife. Wish me good luck.
So I read your post Dani and was going to reply and then I read the three comments above and wondered whether I was on the right page and so wasn't going to comment; but then I thought a another perspective is probably a good thing to add to the mix.
ReplyDeleteSo it may be in part that you wrote this to cast Bubs in the best light and there's more to it than this, but I read the post and didn't think Bubs had done anything really wrong. He was awake and didn't just want to wait for you to wake up and so going for a run was a good use of time.
Yes he could have sent him a note and yes you could have sent him a text but for this to turn into a full blown row seems to me to be a great over-reaction.
Now in my experience, when over-reactions happen it usually means there's soemthing else going on. The row isn't really about whether or not Bubs should have stayed in bed; or texted or whatever. There's some other anger below the surface.
If so you need to work out what that is to make progress.
I hope this helps
Thank you for reminding me of this simple everyday wisdom. I'm right in this situation right now. She has a few irritating recurring moves when we discuss and disagree and they do annoy me and I do think I am justified in that but this time I think I screwed up more.
ReplyDeleteAs I think I said on one of your other posts. Loving someone isn't the same as respecting that person. A loving relationship requires both and I think trully respecting someone takes more effort.
Hooray for Bubs. He can run 18 miles and still be ready to rock n' roll with you. I need a nap after driving 18 miles. hahaha.
ReplyDelete