A day with my best friend

Bubs and I just had one of the most amazing days together, maybe since we've known each other. Perhaps to demonstrate how nice it was, I'm starting this at about 7:15 and he's still asleep. I haven't seen this man sleep past 6am in well over a decade. Not that I wore him out or anything (despite my best efforts), I just think he's able to relax a bit and it's so nice to see.  We are staying in a little coastal town called Imperial Beach and it is so cute. When we made plans to come to San Diego we looked around and decided we wanted to be close to the beach but really quiet and Imperial Beach is perfect. We walked around on Friday night and looked at the houses for sale and I started thinking out loud that maybe if we don't go for our "dream house" in Tucson, we can look into buying a vacation rental that we can also use. Usually, when I have a crazy idea like that, Mr. Spreadsheet reminds me off all the financial reasons why my latest manic manifestation doesn't make sense but last night I think his exact quote was "yeah I can see that being a really good idea." Hey if I'm not doing the most, then what am I actually doing? 

Since he's asleep, here I am. I actually don't want to forget days like this because for all that we put each other through, occasionally I am reminded that he's been my best friend for 19 years. Sometimes we even act like it. We had such a nice day on the beach. We definitely did beach type stuff but for the most part we just sat in beach chairs and held hands and watched the waves come in. We go to the coast in Texas maybe once a year and then we always do our annual Destin trip but there is something about the California beaches that just hit different. Bubs is a little bummed that he can't surf on this trip but he about made my little heart melt when he said hanging out with me was all he needed. He kissed me while we were standing at the waters edge letting the waves bury our feet, I actually got weak in the knees it was so romantic. We went back to our adorable little rental condo, took a shower together and took a long nap. He even let me sleep all twisted up with him. He hasn't had to do that since we were in high school and he had to pull out all the stops to impress me! He took me dress shopping in Coronado and forced me to buy a dress that I truly fell in love with even though it wasn't on sale. 

He was even sweeter at dinner. We found an amazing steak house (lord forgive me as a Texan for blasphemy) and I was about ready to eat the entire menu. It was busy so I went into to figure out getting a table while Bubs parked the car. They told me I could wait in the bar. As I was sitting down Evie texted me a huge dump of pics from she and Brian taking the kids tubing earlier in the day. I could feel the tears welling up because I had such a nice day and I felt like I hadn't even missed them. The bar tender came up to me and asked me if she could get me anything. I tried to get out that I can't drink because I'm 10 weeks pregnant but I just started bawling, full on ugly crying but trying to hide it to not scare everyone around me. The thoughts came rushing so fast:

- You're a terrible mom

- Your kids have known their babysitter for a week and she's already so much more fun than you've ever been

-You set Evie up with Brian he's going to hurt her, you were so stupid for thinking he wont
- You ruined Bubs plans to retire by 50 by getting pregnant

- You made your sweet husband walk around looking at beach houses you can never afford and he's wearing a mobility boot and you know he loves you too much to tell you he was uncomfortable, you don't deserve him. 
- You spent $250 on a dress you'll be too fat for in a matter of weeks
-You're moving away from the people who love you
- You've quiet quit your church instead of sticking it out to make it better 
- You're not really connecting with the kids in class this year, they like the sub so much better
- You're 32 and wearing a strapless dress, grow up
- You put your poor husband through hell all the time we had such a nice day and now we are going to fight again

- I hated Tucson and I'm too afraid to admit it because I don't want to ruin it for everyone else

The bartender was so sweet and got me a glass of water and even though she was really busy, she asked me if there was anything she could do. Through sobs I told her I was 10 weeks pregnant and on vacation without my kids and they'd had so much fun and I wasn't there. She asked me their names and if I had pics so I showed the pics from tubing and she told me how cute they were and obviously I loved them if they were able to have so much fun while we are out of town. Even though I was just drinking water she kept checking on me. Bubs loves to do this thing when I'm sitting at a bar where he will hit on me in the creepiest way possible so when he finally go there he said something like "text whoever you're waiting on and tell them not to come, I haven't had a blondie in the rotation for a while." I have to admit it made me smile Bu as soon as he saw me he got the look of "oh my god, my wife is an emotional wreck strap in and tread lightly." 

The bartender came over and asked him what he wanted and told him that he better realize how sweet and pretty his wife is and be extra nice tonight. Our table was ready so I insisted Bubs leave her a big tip which he didn't argue with which made me so happy because I thought I was going to get a lecture on why we tip 20% on the bill but the water was free. All the way to our table I was on pins and needles because with our recent history, it was totally possible we would be duking it out over the table while the wait staff hid the steak knives.  We got to the table and he asked me if I'd been crying and I said yes, that Evie had sent me pics of the kids and it made me really emotional and it sort of brought up all the stuff that is giving me doubts about where we as a family and for me personally. 

Bubs must be taking good notes at therapy because by his nature he wants to solve problems which I love him for but sometimes emotional problems don't have A+B=C solutions. Last night he just listened to me and held my hand and looked into my eyes and said he understood why each situation would be bothering me. It was so sweet and I think him being supportive made me so much more receptive to his solutions when he started to offer them. As I started to calm down a bit we started to address each one of the issues in a calm, very loving way. 

- He reassured me that I'm not a terrible mom, in fact I've taken so little time for myself over the past 8 years, any break seems like a cataclysmic event. 

- He showed me a "secret" text from Brian that said "dude, I may be in love. don't tell my stupid sister or her ego will get bigger than it already is. can you call me?" (thanks Brian). 

- He reminded me that he was there the night I got pregnant and he could have got a vasectomy years ago but wasn't ready to shut that door for us yet. He's talked about retiring so young because we were in such a rut but we are having so much more fun with each other that he knows we don't need to be retired to live a full life. Us being on better terms means he feels some spark towards his job again and wants to see where this new position will take him. 

- He reminded me that he's always dreamed of having easy access to go surfing in California and a vacation rental would allow that. While we need to talk to our accountant, he has quite of few options that have matured, his company's stock is near all time highs and we may want to exercise them while in Texas for tax purposes. A vacation rental may not be out of the question but we can't get carried away with what we buy in Arizona. And he claims he doesn't even notice the mobility boot anymore (I know he was lying but I'll take it since he was trying to make me feel better). 

- He loved that I let him spoil me with a nice dress and I deserve to not limit myself to the sale rack if I find something I really like. He said that I looked as good as I ever have but I have a mature confidence that makes me sexier than ever. 

- He reminded me that we can always move back, we aren't selling our house but at the same time everyone is excited for us to move. We are showing them there is a life outside of our neighborhood. 

- He said that he and the kids were mentally checked out of church a long time ago. My younger sister has all but stopped going and my parents even take weeks off and no lightening bolts have struck any of us down--and maybe things have gotten better because we have so much more time. And our new pastor doesn't really seem to want our help and we have to accept that for what it is. 

- I have to accept that my time as an administrator may have changed my outlook on kids and the classroom which is a good thing, it's a sign of maturity and making progress.

- He said that two months ago that if he would have seen my crying in a restaurant like he did that night he would have been instantly defensive and yes, it would have led to at least a night long fight.  We've made so much progress that we were talking it out, in public of all places, not screaming at each other in the garage so the kids don't hear. 

- He admitted Tucson didn't really hit with him either but keeps reminding himself that on our last trip, we did a self guided tour. This time we are going to meet with a real estate agent, we are going to get to meet the people in his new squadron and we won't have the kids wanting to kill each other for 3 days straight. He's very optimistic he'll like it this time. 

I have no idea how many time we shooed the poor server away but by the time we ordered I noticed the restaurant had some clear tables so it must have been a long time. But I was starving, I got a huge bone in ribeye devoured every last bit it, every side that came with it and even some of Bub's food. I haven't been super hungry this pregnancy but I think the little guy wanted to let mom know they are around because I couldn't get enough food in me.  We even stopped for ice cream on the way back to Imperial Beach. I'm not showing yet but I had so much food in me, I looked very pregnant.  

When we got back to our little condo we were both to tired to do anything else and I honestly think Bubs thought if he poked at me, my belly would burst. It was pretty cute to have him lay on my chest and rub my fat little tummy while I played with his weird straight-but-curly hair that I've always loved.  

It's now almost 9 and he's still asleep! I'm day dreaming about our future vacation house just steps away from the powerful Pacific ocean, our two older kids squabbling about who gets to push the baby to the beach and my gorgeous husband a few steps behind them with surfboards under each arm and me jogging to catch up after I packed everyone food. That just about sounds like heaven.