A quick update about blogs, reddit, etc.

 After all this time, I am an absolute amateur at my life in the public sphere. Having said that, I feel like whenever people say that they are taking a break from social media, blogging, reddit, message boards, etc., its actually an attention seeking device. I myself said it a couple of time over the summer, mostly because I wanted my "friend with 1000 accounts" (or friends) to leave me alone--but if I'm being honest, t the part of me that's still a little 10 year old drama queen wanted people to ask me where I was going.  

Now that is not what this post is for at all, I'm not leaving but I just got an insanely sweet email from one of you that I just don't know how to answer. But that made me think that maybe I am doing all of this as an attention seeking device and I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain. I don't know if I'm making sense here. But it kind of made me think if I'm flummoxed at the thought of responding to some very kind words, maybe I'm kind of a...bitch. 

I also had a massive blow up with Bubs after our marriage counseling appointment on Monday. In fact we still are at odds with each other. We were talking about my horrible mood over the weekend and he said something like "after all this time I don't understand how she can get in the face of a 250lb college football player and not be afraid, but come home in inconsolable tears because the self checkout lady at Safeway was rude to her." It made me think that he doesn't understand me at all and that to him I'm just some irrational idiot that doesn't see the world for what it really is. He had taken the zoom from his iphone in his car, I was at home and despite 8 months of therapy and promising our therapist that I had it under control, I fumed all day long and we had an epic fight that lasted until 1am. Despite all of our agreements about giving each other space, walking away and knowing that tomorrow will be a new day--I could not let it go. I don't know if I've let it go now. The problem with a fight like that is that it brings up so much other stuff and I was like a dredging machine digging bones and secrets and trash and stuff that I probably promised to never talk about again. 

I guess what I'm saying is I feel like a selfish ass and maybe it's time to just take a break and focus on being a nice person again. I don't know, I feel like such crap because of hormones and while I don't have data to back it up but I'm pretty sure I was an angry asshole at this time in my first two pregnancies (sorry Bubs, I don't keep spreadsheets for my emotions--maybe you'd like to start,  would that make you happy? Maybe you could better predict when I want to slap the shit out of you? hehe...sort of).  

One thing I do know is that my sisters are flying in to Tucson tomorrow and on Thursday we are going to drive up to Scottsdale to have spa and shopping weekend so I know for a fact I will be away from my computer and devices until at least Monday. I don't know if my "break" will be longer than that, I may forget all about this and post tomorrow. But I guess I am saying that I promise I'm not trying to seek any more attention than you all already give me but if I don't post for a while I promise I'm ok. I just don't feel like a very good person right now and I don't want anyone to think that I am someone I'm not.  I'm kind of mean right and I don't deserve nice emails. 

lol, well if that last line isn't the 10 year old Dani the drama queen, I don't know what is. But Bubs is home and I'm going to try to spend the evening pretending like I don't blame him for all of my problems right now. Hopefully my sisters will cheer me up tomorrow because I can't wait to see them. And above all, I promise I'm ok! Mean. But OK.