A week in the life of a spoiled woman-child who doesn't know how good she has it.

 Since going on reddit and now this blog, one of the things that I have always tried to do is not curate my content or use the words to make me sound like a "better" person than I am in real life. Of course this isn't totally possible but at the same time, this blog is akin to a permanent record of this period of my life and I want to be honest to myself. Just like everything on the internet, I'm sure at some point I will move on from on this and find something else to occupy my time but what I want most of all is to be able to look back and say that I told the truth. A very close second is meeting some fascinating people from all over the world but even then, I think you all have stayed with me because of my honesty--even when being honest means I look like a total asshole. 

This was one of those weeks where I have to be honest with myself because I don't want to be like this forever. I have to give myself some grace in the fact that I am essentially 6 months pregnant, very hormonal, already emotionally fragile and without all of the safety nets I've had for most of my life. Even with that, I need to grow the fuck up. Danielle, you are 33 years old for God's sake. 

So one of the things that we have learned with our new house is that we are WAY the fuck away from everything in Tucson. As in it takes us a minimum of 30 minutes to get to anything beyond a grocery store or fast food. In Texas, we had what we needed very close by and then the benefit of two huge cities about 30 minutes in each direction on an interstate. Tucson has an interstate but it doesn't really take you anywhere in town and the surface streets are a nightmare. I get it very first world problems but it's still something I'm trying to get used to. 

I was set up with a great Ob/Gyn and had my first appointment on Tuesday and it is way across town. When things are optimal at the best time of the day, I learned it's a 45 minute drive.  I got the kids to school just fine and wanted to leave early to give myself plenty of time to get to the office. I got there early, checked in, the Ob/Gyn was as sweet as she could be and said that everything is going great and its time to start looking to delivery plans at one of the local hospitals. When I told her where we lived, even she got a look on her face like "ohhh, all the way out there huh?" She gave me a list of hospitals that are closest to us and said that I'm welcome to keep seeing her up until delivery but the facilities close to us aren't places where she regularly makes rounds but she could in case of an emergency. This was a bummer because I'm used to the Ob/Gyn who delivered my son and basically all of my sisters' and cousins' kids also being the same one who monitored the progress. She said that's rarer here but if it's something I really wanted she could refer me. I said that I would think about it but that I had a good feeling about her so I would keep coming in the time being. 

I left the office feeling OK but for some reason, I just started to feel farther and farther away from home than I've ever been and it made me so sad. I wanted to get past it myself so I promised myself I wouldn't call my sisters or mom even though they all implored me to call them whenever I needed them. Big, big mistake. Even though I had our home address programmed into my phone and sycned to my car screen via Apply Play I took a wrong turn and the stupid map just kept giving me that "recalculating" notice and I couldn't get a sense of where in the hell I was or where I was supposed to be going. Finally I decided that I was so frustrated that I was probably a danger to myself and others and needed to get off the road. 

When I pulled over, I broke down. As in hysterical crying as if the world was coming down on me.  I felt so humiliated that I'm a 33 year old mother of two having a tantrum in her year old Kia Telluride that was a birthday present from her long suffering husband.  I couldn't process any information so I decided to call Bubs. 

He answered right away and I'm sure all he could her was sobbing. I'm sure his first thought that I has been seriously injured or was in a trunk as a human trafficking victim. He asked me what was wrong and all I could say was "I'm lost!!!!!" He told me to hang on and said he would look on findmyfriends to see where I was. He asked me if I was in a Panda Express parking lot and to my absolute surprise he knew more about where I was than I did, I had no idea. He asked me what I wanted to do and I just let out my first series of mean statements I made to that poor man that went on all day. I told him I didn't want him to solve all my problems for me. He asked why I called him then. I was stumped by the completely logical nature of his question and told him that he was an asshole. I didn't deserve it but he was so patient with me and went through his usual checklist; are you thirsty? Are you hungry? What else is going on? I told him that I didn't appreciate his tone and yes to all of the above. He asked if I needed to go into the Panda Express and get something to eat and maybe I'd feel better. I told him yes. And of course he was right, I needed food and just sitting down eating my Bejing Beef and Orange Chicken really did help me gain my composure. I forgot that he had asked me to call him when I was done eating to make sure I was ok (more on this in a minute) and after I felt better, I was able to get on the road and make it back to our new house. 

One of my biggest faults with Bubs is that I pick fights. I have spent lots of bandwidth talking about all the things that he does when we fight that annoy me but I probably have glossed over the fact that nearly all of our altercations are started by me. Unfortunately, this is something we haven't had time to dig into at our marriage counseling sessions (which we are continuing remotely by the way) but it has to be high on the list because I know Bubs loves me, but I don't know how long he can put up with my bullshit--and with the clarity of hindsight, I couldn't blame him if he did leave me. 

As I said, I promised I'd call him when I was done at Panda Express. The game I chose to play that day was admitting that I forgot to call him but at the same time allowing myself to be furious with him that he didn't call to check on me. I literally spent the entire afternoon planning all the "gotcha" things I was going to say to him to make him feel awful and "win" the fight. Again, with the clarity of hindsight--what in the hell was I thinking? I didn't keep up my end of the bargain but I allowed myself to ruin my own afternoon and both our evening for something I made up in my head? Yeah I'm fucking crazy. 

If I can give myself some credit, it's that I didn't jump all over him right away and allowed him to have a nice evening with the kids. But when they were in bed I finally cracked and asked him why he didn't call me all afternoon to check on me. He said that our agreement was that I call him and he figured since I told him that I didn't want his help, he would let me figure it out and that he did follow me on findmyfriends to make sure I got home safe. His logic made me furious and we spent the next hour  fighting. I could tell that he was exhausted as he's really still trying to find his rhythm and routine at work but I could not let it go. To every point I made, all he could say was that he tried his best. I wanted him to "fight harder" if that makes any sense (it doesn't, I know) and him staying calm and not matching my energy made me even madder. Finally he told me that our marriage counselor said that it's always fair if he calls for a break as long as he gives me a timeline when we can talk again. I told him I wasn't accepting that excuse that night and he had to keep talking to me. 

He begged me to let him to go sleep because not only did he have to work at his regular job, he was going to go into his reserve unit in the afternoon to get ahead on some mission planning for his next flight and he had a really long day ahead of him. I accused him of loving his jobs more than me and I thought we were past this crap. Finally he said that he couldn't do any more and had to go to another room and left. 

At first I was furious with him that he had the gall to walk away from me. But as I sat there crying the reality of what a complete asshole I'd been started to set in. All I wanted to do was go find him and tell him how completely sorry I was and that he had truly been the island in the storm today and that I abused him for it. Needless to say I didn't. Partly because I wasn't sure what the "rule" is about non-contact, partly because I'm a coward but if I'm being honest--because of my pride. I could admit to myself how wrong I had been but I knew I would give away any of my high ground if I went and told him I was sorry. I cried myself to sleep while absolutely hating myself. 

We had as "normal" of a morning as possible and he helped me get the kids ready for school before he left. He kissed me goodbye and told me that he loved me, even with that I wasn't adult enough to tell him I was sorry. 

I posted my apology blog on Wednesday because that felt like such a cop out. Bubs played his part and posted a comment that completely let me off the hook but dismissing the severity of my bad behavior--something our marriage counselor says he has to stop doing. And I've taken that forgiveness and still have not apologized to him in person yet. 

I have such a long way to go with my mental health and I know all my triggers--we've spent a fortune figuring them out, yes--I owe myself some grace but I'm such a child and so immature sometimes. I love that man so much and he does so much for me but I don't know how much he can take. Now that I've gotten this all out, I am going to go tell him that I'm sorry for Tuesday and take full responsibility for ruining our night. I'm going to take his lead, if he wants to talk we'll talk. If he doesn't want to go any further than I will fight my every urge to say we need to get it all on the table and let him take the lead. It's only fair. 

I love you Bubs. I very often don't act like it, but you are everything to me.