Who would have thought, Bubs and I have been fighting all day long
This is one of those blog posts I'm writing because I want to take it to therapy with us next week. We actually haven't for about 3 weeks, maybe longer. We were out of town and then our therapist was sick last week. Fortunately, she's able to get us in this coming week, if don't kill each other before then.
I want to make this clear up front, and all of your regular readers know this, I love my husband literally more than anything and I know he loves me. So I don't mean any ill intent with this post, I don't mean to embarrass him and I don't want him to seem like the bad guy. I just want to be able to convey my thoughts when I'm inevitably crying my eyes out in front of the therapist.
One of the things I truly love about my husband is that he is not a "sports guy." I have friends and relatives who talk about the "fall divorce" they go through every year. Basically this means that their husbands are checked out watching football from Thursday evening to Monday night. Whether it's betting on games, participating in fantasy leagues, watching replays or going to sports bars, etc... some of the women I know don't expect any participation as a husband or father for 4 days of the week in the fall. Bubs has never been like this and I love him for it. We will always go watch the Cowboys or Texans games at someone's house on Sunday but that's really for the social aspect of it.
However, this all changes when post season baseball comes on, especially if the Dodgers are playing. If this is the case, and it is this year, then my normally attentive and loving Bubs becomes the detached and absentee husband I always thought I was so lucky to NOT have. But his obsession goes deeper. He's described himself as "baseball purist." After all these years, I don't have any idea what that means. I like baseball because I get to go sit out in the sun and drink really expensive beers and stuff my face with nachos and pretend like I know what's happening on the filed. Bubs will watch a game on TV or go to one live and his team will win and he'll still leave the game furious because of some missed call or bad tag or whatever. He's going to be losing his mind over me not describing this correctly but from all the ranting I know the designated hitter is ruining the National League, pitchers are weak and managers can't manage anymore. My "favorite" is when he says they might as well have kegs set up on all the bases because "the major leagues are no different than the Austin beer league these days." I really try to understand where he's coming from. I know while he truly loves the game, it's a very sore subject for him. He was a standout player in high school and was being recruited by both college and low level pro scouts. A very random but severe knee injury when we were at a party by the river pretty much closed his window to playing in college which absolutely shut the door on him playing professionally.
Last night was a perfect storm where I almost think the universe conspires to get us at each others throats. TJ had a game last night and as we were walking out the door Bub's boss called him and told him to cancel any plans he had for the evening, Bubs was needed on zoom call (his transfer to Arizona can't happen soon enough, this stuff won't happen with his new boss). Bubs was pissed and I think almost told his boss to fuck off. Even though I knew it wasn't his fault, I took my frustration out on him when it meant that I had to pack all the stuff up and take my son to the game by myself. On top of all of this, last night the Dodgers were in some sort of make or break game. If they did not play well, it would end their season. Bubs also gave TJ a lot of tips for his hitting as we were getting ready to drive away and then asked me remember everything he just told our son. Right.
We got to the game and I settled in to watch. I've been to hundreds of these games but since Bubs has almost always been the coach and had it handled, I could always sort of settle back and talk to my friends then clap and cheer when it seemed like I supposed to. Because I was the only parent there last night, I figured I'd better pay closer attention. Our son played like I expected him to (he loves the social aspect of the team, the actual game part of it, he could take or leave) but the thing I couldn't help but notice is that all the other kids had all this extra safety gear that my son did not have. These kids had special safety glasses, huge elbow and shin pads for when they were at bat and then these special gloves for when they ran the bases. All my son had on was his batting helmet. When he got back to the bench I walked over and asked him through the fence if we forgot some of his gear. He said he didn't think so. I asked him why he wasn't wearing all the gear that all the other kids were. His answer "Dad doesn't let me have that stuff." At first I though he misspoke so I said "You mean Dad forgot to pack it for us right?" He said "No, Dad says its garbage and real players don't need it." I've known the new coach forever so I got his attention and asked why TJ didn't have all the gear. The coach told me it's the parent's choice to purchase all the "extra" stuff. I asked if it really kept the kids safer and he said it does. I asked if our son could borrow some other kids pads until I worked it out with my husband to buy him his own stuff. The coach told me no problem and I was so much more at ease when TJ was up to bat again because he actually looked like he was protected.
I texted Bubs when I got back to my chair knowing that he was already going to be in a bad mood. Like I said, a perfect storm of being called into work and his "beloved" Dodgers playing in the playoffs. I even checked the score before to make sure they were winning ,but I figured this was important. This was our text conversation:
"hey hows work?"
"I'm done"
"hows the game, it looks like LA is winning"
"Not that they deserve it, I wish San Diego would win to teach them a lesson"
"im sorry can we talk about something?"
"Sure"
"im worried TJ didn't have all the safety gear"
"He has everything he needs."
"all the other kids had elbow pads, shin pads and special glasses and gloves"
"Let me do baseball ok?"
"i want him to be safe"
"Let me do baseball"
"are you hearing me?"
"Are you hearing me?"
I didn't text him back because the mama bear in me was really, really irritated that Bub's bullshit "purist" attitude was affecting our son's safety in baseball. When the game was over I took TJ to Dick's Sporting goods and I basically bought him everything that the salesperson said he needed. I was a little surprised at how much everything cost but I figured it was well worth it.
Of course TJ was super excited to show off all his new gear as soon as we walked through the door. That pissed off my husband and we have more or less been fighting since we got back from the game.
His take is that our son is in a qausi-competitive fall league for 6 and 7 year old kids. The coaches still pitch and the players are in literally no danger of being hit hard by a pitch. He says that he played baseball with a batting helmet and batting gloves and all the extra gear is unnecessary, incredibly expensive and actually takes away from the kids understanding the game. I also know that he's not telling me he believes there's a certain "toughening up" that TJ will get by playing the game in a more traditional way. He's also pissed that I went and bought the stuff without asking him and that now he looks like the bad guy.
My take is I don't care. I want our son to be safe. He apparently doesn't remember that I went to nearly every one of his baseball games and saw the welts he'd get on his body when he was hit by a pitch. I get that I know next to nothing about baseball but I do know how terrifying it is to have your get get hurt and I'm not willing to have some purist attitude get my son hurt by an injury that is otherwise preventable.
I am happy that we've given each other time outs and while our tone is very terse with each other, we aren't fighting in front of the kids. We also got a little bit of a break when he took our daughter to her martial arts class and I was able to walk over to my parents to help my sister and mom sew a homecoming dress for my niece. But it's now 10pm and we're laying next to each other in bed, me typing this blog and him doing something for work. He's not giving me the silent treatment but the silence is nearly killing me. I want to grab him by his big dumb head and shake some sense into him that if his attitude gets our son hurt, I would be devastated.
I don't know--here we are, ready to kill each other. Again. I will probably ask him to read this after I hit the publish button. I'm sure this is full of grammar an typing errors which I may edit later but here goes.
I did think about leaving this post alone as I didn't want to comment on who is right. I did also wonder whether you'd want Bubs to read this or whether writing this was itself part of the argument - and I still think maybe it is.
ReplyDeleteBut I decided I did have somehting that may be useful to add.
It seems to me that there are two separate arguments here:
(1) whether TJ should have the extra safety gear
(2) lack of communication
On the safety gear, I'm from the UK. We don't play baseball (I think it is the sport where you have a "World Series" that only includes North America) so I have no idea whether 6/7 year old boys need the extra safety gear. Both your and Bubs' explanations seem to have some validity and have to be balanced. That TJ was excited is relevant but less so if it was just because he had new gear. If it makes him more interested in playing baseball because he is less frightened of being hurt then that may be the most important factor.
On communication, he's angry because you went ahead and bought the gear without discussing it with him (when he believes this is his field - did we read earlier than he used to coach kids baseball?).
I think (although I don't think you say so in so many words) you're upset because Bubs made the choice for TJ without discussing it with you.
And I think both of these are valid. He should have involved you, and you should have discussed it with him.
This is your blog, not mine, and so I won't go into detail about my last few days save to say that my diary for Friday night includes "if ... you need to find a new husband" and my diary for this morning talks about a rather nice cuddle :-)
So maybe when you wake up this morning you can have a chat about communication and then have your own cuddle
Just to clarify, the blog timestamps my post as Sunday 12.25 am. When I said "this morning" I did mean Sunday
DeleteI'm with Dani on this one, at least where the protective goggles or glasses are concerned. Baseball is notorious for eye injuries to young players. I'm not just making that up because I agree with protective gear in most sports; there was actually an article about this within the last few years in one or another of the papers I read online (I can't remember which one it was, the New York Times or Washington Post maybe? One of them). I can't speak to the rest of the protective equipment, but I'd strongly recommend keeping those goggles, never mind that they weren't widely used 10 or 20 or 30 years ago. We use a lot of protective equipment in sports today that we didn't use in previous generations, and usually it's because either someone received a bad injury (which is why hockey goalies now wear mandated neck protection), or a protective item became mandated due to accumulated injuries in the sport. Protecting the bodies of players doesn't ruin the sport, and the culture around protective gear changes as we learn more about the effect of injuries on players. That's a good thing, at least in this mama wolf's opinion.
ReplyDeleteA baseball (or any other moderately hard hit) to the eye at any age is no small thing. Impact injuries to the eye are strongly associated with subsequent development of cataracts, and the cataracts don't necessarily wait 50 years to develop. Cataracts and worse can occur in younger people after impact eye injuries. If you can't reach an agreement on the eye protection then consider letting your pediatrician (or better yet, any pediatric ophthalmologist) break the tie. I'm all for overall protection (my daughter was goalie in both hockey and lacrosse, so protection was a huge thing), but to me, at least, eye protection is non-negotiable.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI promised you a response last night, so here it is.
I'm frustrated because you didn't listen to me and went ahead and bought hundreds of dollars' worth of stuff that he doesn’t need. Like I explained, he's in a coach-pitch league where adults pitch the ball to him underhand. There’s no chance of him being hit by a pitch that justifies all the gear these kids feel like they have to wear, which the parents just go along with. It’s all about appearances, and it drives me crazy. All that gear takes away from the kids actually learning what it means to be part of a team, play well with others, and develop skills. Instead, practices and games become a competition between the kids as to who has the coolest new piece of gear this week. And it's not only a competition on the field but between the parents in the stands about who spent the most. I've always prided myself on not participating in that nonsense.
Secondly, I’m not coaching this fall because you asked me not to. I understand why you asked, and I agree that I have too much going on. But when you undercut me by buying him all this gear I've already said no to, it feels like you don’t respect the sacrifice I made for you. I've always been the baseball parent and always will be. You even say it in this blog that you go to the games to talk with friends and hang out, but you don’t know what’s happening in the game. That’s totally fine; I have no issue with that. But I don’t see how you don’t understand why I’d be upset. You admit you don’t know what’s going on, yet you override me when I’ve already made a decision about something I know a lot about. You’d lose your mind if the roles were reversed.
I should have been nicer in the text messages and I should have done a better job at explaining to what my objections were and why I had them. I was really upset Friday because none of what happened at work should have even involved me and I sat in that meeting with nothing to say and didn't answer one question. I really wanted to be a TJ's game and I felt bad about that too. I'm also sorry I become such a jerk when it comes time for post-season baseball. I actually had no idea you saw me like that and I will really work hard to not let my frustrations boil to the surface. We potentially have two more weeks until the World Series is over but don't worry, the Dodgers are going to choke and get swept by the Mets this week. When that happens I'll curse them quietly.
I do have commend you for listening to about what I think about the MLB--I can't even begin to tell you how much I despise the designated hitter in the National League. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I'll defer to your knowledge about youth baseball - I don't really know the first thing about it, as it wasn't my kids' sport, so I don't know about the need or lack thereof for protective gear. When it comes to protective equipment in youth sports I tend to jump right to maximum protection, perhaps because I've treated kids who've had TBIs from sports-related head injuries (effect on language function). I'd have probably done what Dani did, and that may have been a wrong choice in the moment given the lack of a kitchen-table conversation.
DeleteBut please consider keeping the goggles, for your own sake as well as for TJ's. Those eye injuries can come even with a soft pitch, or an excited bat toss, and you don't want to be the parent who is sitting in the ER, or the ophthalmologist's office, wishing you'd had your kid wear goggles while you're hearing about the injury that may affect your child's vision. No one ever expects it to happen to them, until it does, and wishing you'd made a different choice doesn't change the consequence. TJ probably won't get hit in the eye with anything at all in his baseball career. Eye protection is still the best choice in any sport where an eye injury is a legitimate possibility, and again, youth baseball is apparently one of the sports where eye injuries happen too often. As for the rest of the gear, you know a lot more about this than I ever will so my own default to protective gear is probably overkill, and again, my kids didn't play baseball (with hockey and lacrosse it's not a question, for obvious reasons).
Don't hate me Dani but I'm going to side with Bubs on this one. I have been involved with youth sports since my daughter was 5 so 35 years. I help run a youth sports league and have been since I gave up coaching 25 years ago. I think I have seen about everything. All that gear for a 6 year old is overkill. The kids see MLB players wear and think they need it too. The kids are playing coach pitch for goodness sakes they are not going get hit by a pitch. Nobody is going to hit a hard line drive, they are lucky if they hit a dribbling ground ball but nothing hard enough to take a "bad Hop". The MLB players wear shin guards to protect them from hard foul balls, the elbow pad are to protect them from getting hit on the elbow by a pitch. Coaches are lobbing the ball not throwing 100 mph fastball at a kid. They don't need batting gloves or sliding gloves, they aren't sliding. You have one helicopter parent that wants to put their kid in bubble wrap and every other parent decides they have to follow suit, it's crazy.
ReplyDeleteNow Bubs won't want to hear this but 6 is to young to start a kid in baseball. The game requires developmental skills, hand/eye coordination etc. that most kids don't have at 6. The game itself is slow and the kids attention span is not long enough. All this other stuff, batting gloves etc slow the game down even more. The problem is if you wait to start your kid at an appropriate age they are left behind skill wise. I have said for years that soccer (football for Andrew) is the best game for young kids. Every child can run and try to kick the ball.
Don't get me wrong I think teams sports are important to the overall development of a child. It doesn't have to be athletic though. My daughter didn't have any interest in sports as she got older, but she was involved in mock trial and learned the same kind of lessons (and worked every bit as hard) as you do in sports. My boys played baseball/football through high school and it was a big part of their education.
Lastly, I think you did the wrong thing running out and buying your son all of this stuff without discussing it with Bubs. His points were well taken. Sometimes I think you start fights with Bubs because you like making up so much :).
Thank you for the translation (which I assume was a joke). Technically "Association Football" and I understand in the last maybe decade has become much more popular in the USA especially among women. The women's game here is well behind the men's gane but has also become much more popular here over (say) the last decade.
DeleteThis time I'm on your husbands side. You knew his stance on the issue and you overrided him. Not OK. It is also an issue of which he has much more understanding than you do. You could basically sell an infinite amount of protective gear in any quasidangerous sport to worried parents. Growing up is also about not being afraid. Sports is a the end a reenactment of some really tough stuff we needed to to in our ancient history. If you love team sports you know this.
ReplyDeleteThis time I think the apology is on you.
I still don't think it is right for any of us to say who is right and who is wrong, but hopefully Dani you will see that perhaps your initial reaction may have been overblown and both of you that there may have been a better way to discuss it.
ReplyDeleteOk, you're commentary about me being a nut job when the Dodgers play may be spot on. We are one inning into Game 1 of the NLCS and my Garmin says my heart rate is at 120.
ReplyDeleteI'm late to the party because I was on vacation at Disneyland, but I'll just add my two cents. For the most part, I'll have to agree with Bubs on the protective gear and his reasoning. IT IS A MARKETING PLOY TO SELL FEAR. Some of the gear might be understandable for later when the pitches get to over 90 mph.
ReplyDeleteI myself was the athletic trainer for football, wrestling, basketball (a few times), and baseball all four years of high school. I was sent to several intense workshops and classes to deal with injuries in all sports. Of all those sports, baseball is where I dealt with the least amount of injuries. I only saw the occasional hit by a baseball pitch injuries. The worst injury I dealt with (aside from having to perform CPR on my best friend
when he had a heart attack at practice) was a broken collarbone when the player slid into second base head first.
Which leads me to the topic of skill and safety. In my opinion and those of several coaches both at the high school and college level, sliding head first is a recipe for unecessary injuries as outlined above.
Now, with that said, I will have to say what contributed heavily to the "perfect storm" was both of your lack of communication. You with not trusting your husband's expertise on the subject, and he for not clearly explaining to you his reasoning at a level you could understand. Both of which I think Bubs addressed in his response.
Either way, although I know you both will survive this episode, you really need to dial back the quick to anger. Both of you are TJ's parents and I doubt neither of you would want him to be injured.