Well, one of us got "beat up" by our marriage counselor on Tuesday
Tuesday was our first marriage counseling appointment in several weeks. When we scheduled with our therapist, Cynthia, she said it may be a good idea to check in with how things are going as opposed to dealing with past issues. It's one of the reasons I wrote the blog about our fight on Saturday night.
The appointment started off fine, we talked about how much fun we had in California and we both learned a little bit more about our future new home and how we are both getting excited to enjoy this new adventure together. She asked us what else was going on and I showed her a printed copy of the blog I wrote on Saturday.
She obviously read it over a couple of times and then reflected for a minute or two and her first comment was directed at my husband. She essentially told him that if the way I wrote the text messages was accurate, then he did not do a good job of conveying his thoughts and wanted him to understand how he escalated the situation by not being clear with his thinking.
In my head I was like "yeah, 1 point for team Dani!" and then she asked if he'd be ok stepping out into her waiting room for a few minutes. Uh-oh.
Bubs left and Cynthia stared at me for a good minute and half which felt like an eternity. She bluntly asked me: "Are you trying to get a divorce from your husband?" I told her no, of course not. She said what she just read so destructive to our marriage, my husband and even myself that it sounded like a round about way of asking my husband for a divorce. I instantly started crying and she told me that it was time for direct talk and that I needed to compose myself. When I settled down she asked me when I thought this fight started. I said in my opinion the fight started with the tone of his text.
She said this fight actually started when I insisted that my husband not coach fall baseball this year. He complied because he wanted me to be happy. Instead of thanking and appreciating him for sacrificing something he really enjoys, I told him in so many words that his knowledge, his expertise and his experience meant nothing to me. The second he was away from the field I stepped in, told him I didn't trust him and not only created a wedge between me and him, but he and our son. She said that I talked so derisively about his love of baseball and it sounded like I was casually bragging about not understanding the game. That his "little hobby" was fun enough for me to go and get drunk, talk with my friends and eat bad food. But not good enough enough for me to take a genuine interest in why he loves the game, why it frustrates him, what he misses about playing and what his knee injury may have cost him. She said that I chose to engage in a serious conversation on a night where he was already stressed out from being called into work at the last minute and missing TJ's game. My choice was to blindside him with a question that could have waited for another time and certainly didn't have to be over text where the tone was impossible to read.
She said we didn't have time to get into a deep dive when Bubs eventually got back into the room but she wanted to observe his reaction my apology. She said that in knowing us for the short time that she has, she bet that he's going to deflect my apology, say it's no big deal and try to take some of the blame for himself. She said if she's right, this is a major pattern of disfunction for us. Her opinion is that no matter what I do, he excuses it and takes part of the burden for me because he doesn't like to see me hurt or uncomfortable in any way. She gave me some homework and it was to take a genuine interest in the baseball playoffs this week. Watch the games with him, ask him appropriate questions if I don't understand something and appreciate why something might be frustrating him as opposed to getting annoyed by his frustration.
We called Bubs back in and she was spot on. I apologized to him for starting the fight on Friday and said that I was so thankful that he was not coaching fall baseball this year and that I haven't done enough to show him how much I appreciate him giving up something that he loves to spend more time with me. He said that the fight was no big deal, it was pretty much his fault for being upset with his job and not responding politely when I texted him. That earned him a small rebuke from Cynthia as she said that from now on, if I offer an apology, his job is to accept it without qualification.
I have to say, it was a great session and I feel like I learned a lot about what drives us crazy about each other. And I actually learned something new, my husband likes cuddling with me while he's watching his baseball games. We watched the Yankee game on Tuesday night and then my husbands favorite team, the Dodgers on Wednesday and tonight. I've been to hundreds of live baseball games in my life but I really never appreciated the why and how my husband loves the game so much until I actually paid attention and let him be the expert.
The Dodgers are up 7 to 2 so Bubs said it was cool if I did a doing a couple of small school things that I need to get done before tomorrow, as well as finishing up this blog. I'm under a blanket with one little between me and my husband and the other on his other side. It's been a very nice evening and I'm happy we seemed to have made small steps to eventually leap over another hurdle.
Team Cynthia for the win!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI did not think therapists were supposed to be so direct - I thought their job was to help you see things for yourself rather than express a personal view. That is what I try do in my comments.
DeleteEven so Dani surely after reading all our comments on your last post you did not really believe she was going to be calling for Team Dani.
All these events are of course learning opportunities and it is not so much that you're currently (as you write) enjoying a family cuddle as how you're going to avoid falling into the trap again.
Maybe you said more in your actual apology but nowhere in what you wrote did you apologize for unilaterally overriding his judgement, in a area where he has expertise, with your own where by your own admission you have none. Then rushing out immediately to buy all that stuff your son doesn't need. To me that demands an apology more than not thanking enough for giving up coaching.
ReplyDeleteOne other thought I have, and your Therapist touched on it. I don't mean to be harsh but all of us who have been parents know that kids with play one parent against the other. You have taught your son that if he doesn't get the answer he wants from Dad to come to Mom. It is so important for parents to be on the same page and consistent. This is a hard lesson to unteach.
ReplyDeleteFrustrating! I typed a whole response to this post on Friday, but for some reason, it failed to post. No email or trace of my post. I'll try, again once I've gathered my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSorry to rain on the parade but I remain a bit sceptical. My take is that your therapist makes things unnecessarily complicated. This time you screwed up, I agree with her there. Your disintrest in baseball is not a problem though. Your sarcastic attitude to baseball is the same attitude that women and men have had for each others favorite hobbies for millenia. I doubt Bubs really takes offence.
ReplyDeleteWhat is offensive is that you imply that he puts some kind of superficial male macho bravado before his sons safety. That is annoying and even hurtful. The last time me and my wife were close to separating was many years ago when we went on a longer forrest/mountain hike. I was experienced and hade gone the route before. She got overwhelmed by how demanding it was. (We hade our two daughters with us) She panicked and started to ask people on a campsite how we could return to the starting point one day into hiking. She didn't understand how she basically accused me of being an incompetwnt idiot who risked the lives of my two daughters.
My god I really hated her then. Hardly talked to her for several days after that.