My first request blog--in a mood today so this isn't one of my favorites.
So I went through and answered a bunch of emails and it was nice to see that even more people have found me from reddit! I noticed on google my user name; "danniynnad" is now the top return as opposed to a reddit discussion. A reddit discussion that is still somewhat active where the same poster will call me fake in one response, and then call me a woman hell bent on cheating in their next post. Reddit is such an interesting place.
One thing I got from the emails is you all have incredible memories for some most obscure things that I've said in passing and I got a special request to talk about one of those today. So I guess technically our vacation is over since Bubs is officially in-processing to his new squadron (or group or wing or flight--I never know and I guess I'm supposed to) so he'll be out all day. I'm supposed to meet him at 1:00 for lunch and to meet another military wife who wants to show me around the area where they live. I'm a huge grump today and I usually get so excited to meet new people. If I didn't know she cancelled her entire day to hang out with me, I would find an excuse to get out of it. All I want to do is monitor the group text to get updates from my cousin and his family.
So yeah this event from our past fits right in with my mood today. I think I've made it pretty clear that above anything else, Bubs dreams of being a surfer. Not someone who surfs as a hobby, I mean someone whose entire life revolves around good waves. He watched the movie "North Shore" when he was a kid and that lifestyle became everything he wanted out of life (dear god am I sick of that movie, I've now seen it 1000 times because it will be on in the background in our house all the time). I never have to worry about him cheating or meeting another girl, I do worry about waking up to a note on his pillow saying "I've decided to follow my dream and move to where the waves are good, love to the kids." He surfs occasionally in Texas but I guess while it scratches the itch, it's not really what he's looking for.
Because he loves it so much, it's kind of infectious to hear him talk about it and he had the kids hyped on surfing too. My daughter is the much more athletic of the two so when she found out that we were going to California, surfing was all she could talk about. Two years ago Bubs was doing a lot of work in the LA area and would fly out to work at his companies facility there for weeks at a time. We decided that as soon as school got out we would fly out to meet up with him and spend a week while he worked. He was so excited to show us the beach that we stopped by his condo, dropped of our stuff and squeezed the kids into their brand new wet suits and loaded up their brand new boards and headed for the waves.
Pretty quickly my son realized that stand up surfing wasn't for him but my daughter had her dad's energy and enthusiasm and she was loving it. I think he was just holding the board for her and pushing her but she could not get enough. My son wanted to try the boogie boards so he and I walked up the beach to a little shop so we could get him one of those. I walked back to one of the scariest moments of my entire life.
When we got back there was a huge chunk of the beach that had essentially been roped off by several life guard trucks. It was right where Bubs and my daughter had been but I really thought more about the inconvenience of getting to our stuff. When I walked up to crowd I was able to peek through and I saw my beautiful little daughter strapped to a backboard and being lifted into an ambulance. I don't know how I fought my way through the crowd that had gathered and how I even had the presence of mind to pick up my son before I did. At first a police man or fireman (I don't even remember) wasn't going to let me into the area where they were working on her but with my son screaming about his sister and me in hysterics they let me through. A really nice lifeguard grabbed my son from me and took him one of their trucks and did a great job talking with him--the little stuffed animal they gave him is still one of his favorite toys. When I could see into the ambulance Bubs was sitting there just as terrified as I was. A paramedic was shining a light into my daughters eyes and asking her questions but she was only able to respond to maybe one of the 10 questions he asked her. I begged someone to please tell me what happened and Bubs hopped out of the ambulance and his first words were "we may have to accept that she may never be the same again."
I'm gritting my teeth now even thinking about it because I've always hated the way he delivers bad news like that. I had been in California for maybe 4 hours and my husband was telling me to prepare for the worst without telling me what happened. I don't actually remember what I said to him but it was apparently so aggressive that a police officer stepped in and pulled him away while the life guard in charge of the scene pulled me away. He very calmly explained that she had been hit in the head with a surfboard and apparently had been unconscious and under the water for about a minute until a young teenager pulled her out. They were able to get the water out of her lungs so she was no longer in danger of drowning but they were certain she had a really bad concussion, potential spinal injury as well as big gash where the board hit her. They said they were just about to drive away to the hospital and one of us could ride with her. I could see Bubs getting ready to step into the back of the ambulance again and I literally pulled him off and told him there is no way I'm not riding with her. I could see it in his eyes that he was truly afraid of how I'd respond if he said I shouldn't go with her.
Sitting in the ambulance was so scary because she was bleeding so bad it was leaking through the gauze they put on her head and she just seemed "not present" even though her eyes were open. I keep squeezing her hands and talking to her and telling her that we loved her and asking her if she knew who I was. It seemed like an eternity but out of the blue she started screaming "mommy I can't move, I can't move!!" which of course made me think that she was paralyzed but the paramedic pointed to her toes and fingers wiggling and very calmly told her that she was strapped down for her safety and they needed her to be take deep breaths and be very calm and they would get her off the board as soon as they could. Even though we still had a lot ahead of us it was such a relief that she finally recognized me and as we drove on she started to talk about how her head hurt really bad and she didn't like the feeling of not being able to move her feet. The paramedic reassured me that all of those were really good signs. I quiet cried the whole way while once she settled in and realized that she just needed to be calm, she was such a trooper.
We got the hospital and they were pretty quickly able to determine that she didn't have a spinal injury so she was able to come off the backboard. First order of business was to clean and close the laceration on her head and if I remember correctly she got 8 staples. She definitely had a concussion but because she was still a bit confused and had been under the water, out of precaution they did a CT scan which if I recall didn't show anything they weren't expecting.
I know we were at the hospital long enough for Bubs and my son to come in and meet us and then go back to his condo to get us both clean clothes. It didn't even dawn on me that I was sitting in a hospital in a swimsuit. Slowly, my daughter started to regain her senses and recognized her brother and dad and could tell the staff what she had done the day prior. I think it was about 10 hours later they discharged her with the instructions for her staples and taking it very easy for the week that we were in California and then check in with her pediatrician about starting her regular activities. 2 years later, she is totally fine but we always have to be a little aware since she's so much more susceptible to further concussions. She's been surfing several times since and when I talked to her on Wednesday she is so excited that we can drive to San Diego prettily easily once we move.
As she started to get back to herself, my entire focus became the idiotic thing Bubs had told me on the beach and that entire trip I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle him for being so freaking insensitive. I wish it was the last time he delivered bad news like it was punch to the stomach, but to his credit he's recognizing that it's one of the major problems I have with our communication and he's working on it.
Off to lunch and to look at houses...it's 100 degrees here. It's October 5th.
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DeleteI read this just before gonig to bed last night and thinking overnight I was going to post a comment wondering what Bud thought he was saying when he made his comment. I see though that he did comment but your discussion has been deleted. Perhaps this remains a sensitive topic between you and should remain private
ReplyDeleteI thought I might also mention the time when my son (then aged 3) nearly drowned in a pond, Like your story, it isn't really about what happened to him, nor the comment made by my daughter (then aged 5) that alerted us ("please don't drown I love you"). My wife got to him very quickly after that and the point of the story is that I do not know how well I'd have dealt with the situation if my wife had not got there first.
Hoping for better news from your cousin
[edited for typo]
lol yeah I don’t like that we can’t fully remove comments. He was actually trying to be very sweet and cheer me up, but the more I read it I kind of felt like it was something we needed to talk about, before posting which we did and all is good.
DeleteAnd yes, seeing your kid like that is so terrifying. She was 6 at the time but in my memories of the event I see her as my baby.
DeleteThat had to be beyond traumatizing. The terror of a parent who's witnessed a child's accident is is awful and impossible to convey accurately to anyone who hasn't experienced it. And different people experience it, and cope (both in the moment and later), in very individual ways. I'm sorry that you, Kiddo, and your daughter and son went through that horror.
ReplyDeleteDani, as you know from our prior correspondence, I am usually harder on your husband than most over that insidious mean streak he has and the problems it's caused (I assume he's read those DMs too, as I assume that when I talk to one of you I talk to both of you). This, however, was not one of those instances. When a person experiences a traumatic event - and this was horribly traumatizing for you both - they usually default to their customary way of processing information, and to their typical communication style when sharing news or discussing the event, at least at first. This is a coping mechanism that we have, not indicative of insensitivity, coldness, or anything negative at all. It's self-protective and pretty automatic for most of us. When Bubs said to you "we may have to accept that she may never be the same again," the likeliest explanation for that objectively cold statement is that he was managing his own fear in the best way he could, which was the way he (probably) was and is accustomed to managing fear. My husband can be the same way at times (maybe it's a pilot thing, as they have to be VERY steady in the face of some pretty hair-raising situations or else they, and others, may die). As awful as those words were for you in the moment, my guess is that this automatic default to a cold, matter-of-fact statement was his way of holding onto his own emotions so he didn't fall apart then and there. Dreadful for you, INFURIATING for you, but maybe necessary for him at that moment so that he could continue to function in his most rational way, especially because you, IN THAT MOMENT, were unable to function in your most rational way. Again, my husband is like that, and while at times it makes me crazy, in truth it also ensures that one of us keeps our cool when the situation before us feels like it's about to wreck our world.
The advice from Mama Wolf is that if you haven't let this go, let it go now. Bubs may need to work on some of those communication skills, but this wasn't the mean streak showing up. This was a guy who was (probably - I wasn't there) holding it together for you both when you couldn't, even if the words he chose and the way he did it was difficult for you. Individual coping mechanisms are a weird thing, and what I read into that moment is a terrified father going straight to cold analysis in order to keep from melting down himself. It's unfortunate that it made things harder for you, but I don't see any intent there to hurt you or keep you at arm's length or do anything other than maintain control over his own emotions. Let it go.
Totally agree with Mama Bear on this one. Both times I've seen Dani describe Bubs' reaction to this incident, my first and only thought was that he was clearly experiencing psychological shock. Many people will react to a traumatic event with an hysterical meltdown, but another common reaction is a complete shutdown of emotions. A stoic response to tragedy is a coping mechanism that allows them to continue to function under pressure.
ReplyDeleteOops, Mama Wolf!
DeleteI agree with Mama Wolf and Walter in relation to Bubs' comment but I thought the best thing to do was to leave this to Bubs and Dani to deal with on their own, In Mama Wolf's words "let it go"
ReplyDeleteAbout 6 weeks ago my BIL (Jim) died suddenly. He was only 63 with no apparent issues until the last three days. He had a heart attack. My MiL and FIL have been gone for many years so we were left with only his brother and 2 sisters. My wife is the oldest. It was interesting for me to watch their reaction. All 3 of Jim's siblings we very matter of fact and stoic. Jim's wife on the other hand was hysterical. Watching the whole process was surreal. I worried about my wife because she showed no emotion, and I was afraid she was bottling it up. After a time I talked with her about and shred my concern. She told me the pain and grief was there but people grieve differently. I can accept that as long as she was aware of it and not burying it.
ReplyDeleteDear Lord! I can understand your reaction and concerns. That's your baby! Even today, I worry about my almost 32 year old daughter and her safety. She's my only biological child.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mama Wolf's assessment of the situation and Bub's reaction. I've been around several life threatening in my life, from my parents to my best friend to a complete stranger. I have been trained in emergency situations but have seen others around me display different emotions across the spectrum. Bub's analytical brain was in shock for his baby. He probably was feeling guilty, but at the same time trying to fall back on his tried and true methods to remedy the situation. His go to "we may have to accept that she may never be the same again" comment may have seemed callous, but he was trying to maintain his composure at the moment. Internally, he was probably feeling fear and regret while blaming himself.
As Mama Wolf said, Let it go. Nothing good comes from hanging onto hurts of the past. Your daughter is fine and I'm sure Bubs has taken significant steps to ensure your children will be safe. I remember the guilt I felt when my daughter as a toddler fell out of the car seat and hit her forehead on the pavement. I was in tears and feared for her as I took her to the clinic where my wife worked. Yes, my wife freaked out, but she dialed back her criticism of me when she saw the pain and fear in my eyes. Tears too, but that was because I got dust in my eyes. It was at that moment that I promised myself I would never let my daughter go through pain like that.
Wow! Thank you. What precicely happened isn't that important. I think we can all pretty much imagine. And we can all imagine your pain ... or absolute fear is probably a better word for it. Will not pretend I'm not a bit curious of what Bubs wrote I suspect It's more about you guys.
ReplyDeleteI once shared a very similar event. We were vacationing in Malaga Spain with unusually high waves. Stupid me thought it seemed a bit fun so I waded into them for a short while. Then we set up a place on the beach and al of a sudden my oldest daughter was gone and she remained gone for a long time. She was 9 years old. I can't remember ever being that afraid. I ran up and down the beach, in and out of the waves like a madman shouting her name. I understand your anger because I remember looking at my wife (who only followed my instructions of staying with the younger one) thinking dark thoughts like why the hell aren't you doing anything.
After a few minutes I started seing images of my daughters blueish pale face in my head while a was looking thru the waves. Some people tried to help my but I was beyond communicating. Then all of a sudden she appeared. She hade felt like a big girl who could take a walk on her own. The second after I managed to combine hugging and stangulation in the same act.
Reading your story Danni brought my right back to those four-eight minutes of my life. Parenting is a B. You need to protect them and your need to expose them.